hello 2012. so far looking good.

I've been lazy. actually. I am lazy. But I keep to my word. So I am doing something I should've been doing 2 years ago.

A few things I have been thankful for.
As a mission for myself and Robin, we've decided to write a few things that we have been thankful for over the week at the end of each week.
I realise that these posts will grow increasingly mundane... but I think its a nice gesture to exercise. I really hope I will continue this through the year.

so for the first week of 2012.

I am thankful for...(in no particular order)

-having such an enjoyable road trip up to 90mile beach. I expected some of the chaos from the last road trip to recur, but thankfully we were extremely tame and even got to do a lot of exploring around the north!

-for having an amazing friend like Jeanny who let me sleep over at her house after road trip (my brother texted me that day telling me to come home since he was having a sleep over :( ), the bed I slept on was amazing... it cradled my back PERFECTLY. best sleep I've had in a long time.

-for making Jeanny watch 2 movies in a row with me, first Drive and then Melancholia. Watching the both of us sob like retards as the credits rolled for Melancholia made the film feel so much more real and amazing and truly made me appreciate having such an awesome friend to sit there and cry with me. there's nothing like crying together to bring friends to a whole new level of friendship. :)

-For having a retarded brother that reminds me to turn off the bathroom light every time I forget to.

-For my amazing grandmother.... for yelling at me everyday to clean my room, but at the same time waking up early every morning to make sure I wake up on time for work and making sure I have something to eat/drink before I leave. Words cannot express my love for you.

-For my retarded workmates at Farmers. Thank you for making work bearable, making indian jokes with me and helping me deal with dumbass difficult customers. I dont know half the things we laugh about at work, but it never ceases to make my night.

-And finally. but thank you Wenyu for investing in a phone card so I can randomly call a certain retarded someone overseas. I'm just happy that even though he is so far away I can contact him. :) and at risk of him reading this I am going to stop gushing now.

okay. thats seven right?
Yeah they don't have any particular deeper meaning to them. And as I was writing this I realised that there's actually a lot of things I have to be thankful for... I simply cant fit it all into a single blog post. But there is still one huge thing that I have to be thankful for that I havent managed to fit up there. And that is God.

Hi God...
I know I have been distant this past year and there were so many times when I should've depended on you but I selfishly decided to rely on myself instead. Thank you so much... for everything. 2010 was a horrible year, in fact the worst I've had in years... and I wept to you everyday about it. Then came 2011 and it was actually amazing. You gave me hope and opportunities I would have never thought possible. I've been gifted with such amazing friends and more family. I've been gifted with tools. Yet never this year have I properly thanked you for it. In fact everything was going so well, I pretty much forgot to talk to you at all. So I guess I'm going to use this time to say sorry and thank you. For being there through the good times and the bad. This year I will work harder in putting you in the center of my life. I realise now I have to work harder to become a better christian, so I can show others the positive influence you have on my life. :) And I should never be afraid to admit that I love you because your love is the reason why there is good this world. You loved us so that we could love others. Also thank you for helping our youth group grow physically and spiritually this year and I hope you continue to use us to shine your light onto others.

Okay before I continue rambling forever... I should stop here.
damn its almost 4am. and I am still up writing this damned post while watching football with Wey.

WHAT HAVE YOU DONE TO ME.... *____*

why, hello there.

its 3am. I've got work the next day and I want to go to sleep but instead all I can think about is this damned blog. I know I have long abandoned it, but something inside me is pulling me back.

My moment of blogging was brief and pretty uneventful for the most part, but it served its purpose. As a tool for reminiscing... and for that I am immensely grateful.
But then I look back at the gap that was 2010 and 2011, and I realised that without any written proof, it's like it almost didn't exist.

Okay.
that sounds extremely ridiculously dramatic. But when I mean it doesnt exist, I don't mean that a chunk of my life was swallowed by some rupture in the space time continuum, or that I randomly lost my memory or anything like that.

But rather I lost that spark, the trigger.

Everytime I read a blog post, it pulls me back to that time, it reminds me of the way things once were.

Its kind of like whenever I walk into an internet cafe, the smell of a dozen computers over heating from a day of heavy usage, mixed with the smell of sweaty asians, carefully concealed by the comforting smell of some sort of generic air freshener, packed into a tightly concealed windowless room, never ceases to reminds me of my first homestay's room. I remember walking in there for the first time. He was attempting to show me how to play Counter Strike. I think I was 12. I ventured into his room only to be hit by this particular smell. It was so distinct that I remember it to this day.

So what does that have to do with blogging?

to be honest, everything and nothing.
well like most things that relate to time, the point of all this babbling about ourselves is written and based purely on the fact that we know one day, in the near or distant future, we will look back at this post and remember something we have long forgotten.
Maybe a memory, or rather a memory of how we once used to be. We read in hopes of seeing if we've grown or matured in these past years, or in worst cases to see how far we've fallen from our prior selves. Either way, there's something nice about trying to keep track of your life.

For instance, now, I regret not keeping track of 2010, because that was when I had my first serious relationship. I wish I could've seen its high's and low's and maybe would've been able to pinpoint where it all began to crumble. I just hope I don't make the same mistakes.

And actually after much thought, I guess that's why Facebook did that whole timeline thing.
apart from the fact it makes it some much easier to fb stalk people.
(oh joy were the days of clicking older posts 20 times)
but it gives people a chance to reminisce on their lives, and I guess thats the point of keeping an online blog or anything tbh. So that we can just sit there and reminisce and see how much we've changed physically and mentally.

To be honest, re reading the past few years, I dont think much has changed within me. Except now, I may be possibly a little more optimistic than I was a pessimist. Perhaps its now time to call myself a Optimistic Pessimist.

And good God, after all these years of not writing, I sound terrible.

oh well.

practise makes perfect.

Funny thing is, I always find myself blogging around December. I guess its when we're most free.

oh shit. now the birds are bloody chirping. guess thats my cue to sleep.
Good night world.
I hope to see you again soon. :)

jokes.

hey to whomever still bothers reading blogs. mine in particular.

which i have successfully managed to neglect for nearly 2 years.

what can i say about these past 2 years?

its been absolute shit in too many areas. but.. surprisingly an absolute wonder in others.

anywho.

this is just an update to say.

i have moved... for those who bother to follow..

i am now going to attempt tumblr. it probably wont last more than 2 days.

but im going to try.

when i have the chance.

its something i made a while back. then sorta forgot about. then sorta remembered again?

either way.

here it is.

thingsthatdontexist.tumblr.com

stalk me if you want.

oh wow.

I have not blogged. since well, last year.

I remember thinking to myself on so many occasions "oh this would be fun to blog about, oh this would be cool to share" but in the end... I never did.

I'm not quite sure why I stopped writing..

Ii'd like to think it was because I felt content with life and did not feel the need to rant it out to the wide world of the internet.. but of course that would mean the cause of my return is because I once again feel discontent with my life.

neither is true.

I suppose I stopped blogging, merely because, as most humans tend to do with things, well... I simply had forgotten about it.

I had completed my goal of continuously blogging for a year, therefore it was only natural for this to happen.

it was like my fanfiction phase. Once I had started, it was hard to stop, I was completely enthralled with it. But once I had posted my first chapter, I found it hard to carry on.

I suppose this is one of my greatest downfalls. Simply that lack of motivation to keep striving, staying on track. I guess its why I am such a great procrastinator.

Sometimes I wish I just had better motivation, to strive, to want to achieve large goals in my life. But alas, I hide behind my supposed pessimistic mask, and become my very own barrier.

Wow.

this is exactly why I loved blogging, just a few minutes of ranting and I've already come to face one of my biggest flaws.

which reminds me of a story, that I had promised myself to post immediately on a blog as I was so afraid of forgetting the story...

sadly, I did not get around to writing a blog about it, nor do I remember the story as clearly as I did. But since I'm here. I might as well try.

So, as I was meeting with my diversion officer (as I had completely ... "killed?" my beloved car.. in an unfortunate car accident in which I had to go to court and plead guilty but luckily I am allowed to plead for diversion so that it does not get written into my record)

the officer that I met with turned out to be an extremely kind and gentle man, which was quite a juxtaposition when in contrast to the way he looked. He was a large man, bald, with one eye patched up, in fact he looked like a character off kill bill. Either way, I was pleasantly surprised at just how.. pleasant he turned out to be.

after talking me through all things I had to do to get diversion.. he asked me what I wanted to do in life..

Now this question, being in Year 13 now, is probably one of the most asked questions by any individual, adult, or friend around me, and to be honest, I was beginning to hate it. I hated watching their looks of anticipation, especially with my parents friends, as they expected something great like a doctor, engineer or a lawyer, so most of the time I would simply answer with an extremely vague "I don't know yet." [insert forced smile here]

But occasionally, I would tell them the truth and tell them another vague answer, but slightly more specific, "I want to be an artist.. a designer.. I guess." which was what I told this diversion officer. Rather than getting usual nod of "ahh.. umm.. well.. that sounds.. lovely" he simply gave me a deep smile and told me. "ahh... I've got a story to tell you."

Now, if I could remember these stories of his, I would definitely try to retell them... but alas my memory fails me and I believe that my retelling would hardly do the man justice. I guess, as cliched as his stories were, they gave a sense of hope to me.

in a nutshell, his stories were all about different individuals that had a goal or talent in their lives, in which they spent the rest of their years after school or uni striving for it. and after lots of hard work and dedication, they were living the good life, doing what they loved most.

thinking about it now, it is terribly cliched. in fact, overheard.

but..

the way he... explained it.. just felt... well made me feel hopeful. in an extremely childish way. he made me believe that if I really wanted this future for myself, I would be successful.

he told me, there will always be people better than you, but if you think like that, you are only limiting yourself.

if you have a dream, and work hard to do your best at achieving it. you will achieve it.

quite a simple goal really..

have a dream. and work hard to achieve it...

I dont know... sometimes, I just feel so unstable and unsafe pursuing this art dream of mine. and the problem is... I still really dont have any idea as to what I really want to do, or achieve...

all I do know is I want to create things, that aesthetically please.. myself and others.

I guess, you just need confidence in yourself, confidence that you have the willpower to achieve your goals..

sigh.

I dont know.. all this thinking about the future is giving me a headache.. although I have a feeling this headache is more from my declining eye sight in one eye.

which gives me something to blog about next time.

i'm not quite sure what I've achieved from this massive rant.. but I do feel, quite relieved for getting it off my chest.

This will be fun to read over in the future.

anyways. I'm off to do more media woork.

goodnight world. :D

oh yes. and I changed the layout of my blog..

guess I was bored and felt like a change in scenery.

that bright blue was becoming a bit much..