in contrast to yesterday...

something.

amazing.

happened today while i was working.

some lady came up to me, and gave me a TWO DOLLAR TIP!!!

yes. someone actually thought i was being a capable waitress and decided to tip me!!!

i mean. its about time! haha.

but no. really... when it happened..

i was genuinely surprised.. but extremely flattered.

to think that someone actually took notice of the work you'd been doing to tip you..

the most surprising thing of it all was that i had barely done anything for the woman.

at most, i had given her some tea... and soup.

but.. really? thats what we do immediately for anyone that comes in.

hardly a special act worthy of being tipped two dollars.

to be honest. when i had first given the lady the soup.

she had kind of looked at me in a scary way. and actually said no to one of the two soups i had been carrying..

so damn. i must've been something right.

on a slightly completely different note.

today, as i was catching the half past 8 bus back home from work, sitting in my usual fetal position, ipod plugged into my ears and all,

i realised, just how much i missed being a passenger.

there's just so many little details you miss, when you're too busy driving,

and its those little details, from the details of houses, to the way trees seem to dance past, that i miss so much.

it also reminded me again why i love riding the bus.

not only are the windows large and clear so you can see everything around you, its also almost kind of like a rollercoaster ride.

you know, from the way it seems to grumble as it changes gears, to the way it rocks up and down along the roads

the way it moves and sounds, feels just like one.

especially if like me, your bus tends to take the small streets, in which the twists and turns are endlessly fun.

and sometimes.. in it all. its just nice to take the bus by yourself.

theres just something about being able to sit comfortably somewhere and watch as the world flies past to good music,

as you allow yourself to dwell in thoughts and contemplate.

its the little things.

i think i had a pretty productive day today.

oh my lord.

one thing that is super pissing me off. right now. is my stupid freaking internet.

it just keeps bloody disconnecting.

i mean seriously, WTF IS WRONG WITH YOU.

it won't even let me stay on long enough to open a bloody web page. thank you very much.

wanker.

i dont know, maybe its my computer, or the internet.

either way, i feel like smashing both to pieces.

*swears some more*

and ugh. just when i thought i had managed to control my swearing tendencies..

i pretty much swear at least twice in every sentence i get out of my mouth. and believe me those sentences are not exactly very long, nor coherent.

which is good i guess. i mean, who wants to listen to some crazy girl constantly tell her computer to somehow artificially inseminate itself.

...

i swear, though, every difficulty i have has been multiplied ten fold by this stupid pre "time of the month" mood swings i've been having.

and its getting harder and harder to restrain myself. im pretty sure im going to break something. very. soon.

speaking of things that piss me off that i know of. is this retard.

yeah thats right. im going to post a blog about you, retard. but of course you won't realise, because never read this thing anyway.

thanks btw.

and if you did, its only because i told you to.

in which, if you are reading right now, get off my blog. cos its useless to do something just because someone tells you to. there's really no point is there?

and seriously retard. if you're not listening to what im talking about on the phone, can you please have the decency to admit you weren't actually listening rather than dig yourself a bigger hole and pretend you were.

it only further increases my urge to kill you.

seriously.

okay. maybe not kill. but. you get the point.

ughh

but seriously, i am really this close to breaking something. preferably this computer.

i mean how can such an inanimate object be so retarded???? you're nearly as bad as some retarded human i know.

seriously though. for a computer. YOU ARE COMPLETELY USELESS.

ugh. now, im even wasting my breath talking to the stupid thing.

whatever.

i think i've raged enough..

and i think i wont kill you anymore.. purely because. i cant be fucked anymore. fuck i sweared.

shit.

i mean crap.

oh fuck it.

just another day. not really.

today was one of those days

when i realised just how completely useless i was. when i was alone.

of course some days are better than others..

but today was just one of those days that just felt... wrong from the very beginning..

i realised, that even when you're surrounded by people, you can still be alone in so many ways.

yes i'm stating the obvious. but. this feeling is different for me..

because i'm one of those people that actually try, to erase those feelings by bonding with others. but sometimes. its just not enough.

and when you fail, those feelings of loneliness only seem to stab back a hundred times more agonizingly.

another horrible thing about being me, is that i'm one of those people that constantly talk to themselves, while i make quite good company most of the time. it only seems to heighten self consciousness. as you know, you notice everything, about the people around you and yourself.

which in most cases, is a lot more than necessary.

whenever someone walks by me, immediately i begin to consider the person's situation.

christmas shopping, catching a late bus, etc. then the potential person that that person could be, from personality to work habits.

its something that keeps the mind busy, and constantly intrigues. and usually on good days its only one way. in which i'd only consider things about the person.

but on bad days. such as this. it gets more personal.

in which i'd see an old lady walk past me as i took a photo of dancing santa, and i would imagine her thinking "asian tourist."

okay, maybe not that racist. but... it would be things that would relate back to me, only heightening the self consciousness.

which i find so frustrating at the same time. i mean, what was the point in being so weak?

as i said, bad days.

i just hate it, when it gets to a point where you just feel like breaking down for no reason other than, your heart aches.

and you don't even know why.

maybe its because of everything wrong combined, or maybe the series of events you may have endured to consequently lead to this, in which is the same conclusion as the first, just in more words.

or maybe it was the empty void in my heart, which on most days i wouldn't even notice.

but on some, it would grow and make itself so awkwardly obviously, that you had no choice but to follow its demands and wallow in its self pitifulness.

haha.

i think its nearly that time of the month.

what do you do when it feels like your world is falling apart around you?

when you lose that sense of security that you never really knew was there until you lose it?

when everything you've ever known, is being questioned?

when you know, soon, you will lose it all..

what do you do?

...