potentially dangerous...

so. like pretty much every other asian female in this world.
im a sucker for the korean franchise.
from their endless amount of drama's
to their endless amount of hot girls and guys (whether or not they've been physically altered..)
and recently.
i've been pulled helplessly into the world of korean music..

oh god.
from those hot girls from Wonder Girls and Girls Generation
to the even hotter guys of Super Junior..
and the worst thing?
their songs were just so damn catchy.
i mean.
i had no clue what they were on about half the time
but i didn't care.
IT SOUNDS GOOD
thats good enough for me..

but one day
i decided...
hey, if im going to be trying to sing along to this stuff (yes im actually going to try..)
i might as well figure out what half these lyrics mean.
i mean.
its only courtesy to at least try to understand the language you're trying to speak.
and i figured it could teach me a thing or two about the korean language...
haha.

So i went around specifically looking for the lyrics for
Gee - Girls Generation
and
Its You - Super Junior
and discovered that.
wow.
korean's are corny as hell...
i mean. some of these lyrics were just so..
FLUFFY. to the point of it being... dangerously fluffy... >.>
...
let me show you.

okay first song i found.

Gee by Girls Generation.

Aha!
Listen Boy My First Love Story
My angel
And my Girls
My Sunshine
Ah ah let's Go
You're so handsome my eyes are blinded
I can't breath because i'm trembling
Gee gee gee gee
Baby baby baby baby
Gee gee gee gee
Baby baby baby baby
oh i feel so embarressed
I can't look at you
I feel shy because I've fallen in love Gee gee gee gee Baby baby baby baby Gee gee gee gee Baby baby baby baby What should i do?
What should I Do? About my trembling Heart My trembling heart
My heart kept thumping
So I couldn't fall asleep at night
I guess I guess i'm a fool
a fool that knows only you
yes,as i look at you
So bright so bright My eyes are blinded
no no no no no
so surprised surprised
I'm shocked
oh oh oh oh oh
so tingly tingly My body's trembling
gee gee gee gee gee
glittering eyes (oh yeah)
sweet aroma (o yeah yeah yeah)
oh so pretty, your heart is so pretty i was captured at first glance
caught so closly
gee gee gee gee
baby baby baby baby
gee gee gee gee
baby baby baby baby I can't touch it because it's so hot I'm engulfed by love's firecompletly Gee gee gee gee
baby baby baby baby
gee gee gee gee
Baby baby baby baby
what should i do what should i do
because i'm so shy
I'm so shy
I don't know why but everyday
i long for only you
My close friends tell me
that i'm a really helpless fool
But as i look at you

area's i couldn't help but notice.
and were repeated constantly throughout the song.
this girl is describing her dream guy..
but to me he sounds a little TOO unreal.
"so bright so bright, im blinded"
what is he? Edward Cullen?
and god.. the way she talks about how she feels about him?
DO THEY HAVE NO SHAME?!
she sounds borderline obsessive throughout this song...
seriously.

then.. there's
Its You by Super Junior.
>.> my god...

It’s you
It’s you
It’s you
It’s only you
It’s you
It’s you

I don’t need anyone else, it’s only you
When you ask again, it’s only you
Even if you already have another love
I can’t forget you, I can’t turn back around
Oh ~
The moment my eyes began to burn
The moment my heart was captured by you I have no regret, I chose you That’s right, it’s you (that im going to obsessively stalk >.>)

Chorus :
Oh whatever anyone anyone says, it doesn’t matter to me Oh whoever whoever curses me, I’ll only look at you Even when I’m born again, it’s still only you (Still Still) Even as time goes by

Oh when you tell me you love me
When you tell me thousands and millions of times
Even when my heart sets on fire, my dry lips wear out
Even when I’m born again, it’s still only you
(Still Still) Even as time goes by

Oh oh only for you Oh oh only for you
Oh oh only for you Oh oh only for you
Oh oh only for you Oh oh only for you
Oh oh only for you

It’s you
I don’t need any words. it’s just you
“ It’s too late “ , but for me it’s just you
I know our love is wrong
I can’t give up, I can’t let you go
Ah Ah (seriously? >.>)

My lips, cold as can be, are even more blue
I cry out to find to find your warmth
I call, even though I call for you
And there’s no reply, I’ll wait for you

Chorus.

Okay.

so i dunno.

maybe chicks find this sort of stuff
romantic...
but seriously? to me?
its encouraging. STALKERS

i mean... here's a song about a love that wont work out.
and throughout..
the guys are just saying. that they wont give up. no matter what...
which fine. if the guy looked like them, singing it to me... then i wouldn't mind.
but if i put it onto..
"normal" guys...
those words just come out... as... creepy.
imagine this.
a guy confesses to you.
but unfortunately. you dont feel the same way.
so you reject them.
naturally this is where they back away.. and slowly get over it.
but here is a song
encouraging these poor suckers to hold onto these feelings and not let go..
turning these guys into potential stalkers >.>

now lets put one section of the song into context.
so.. this one

"It’s you
I don’t need any words. it’s just you
“ It’s too late “ , but for me it’s just you
I know our love is wrong
I can’t give up, I can’t let you go
Ah Ah"

so here you are trying to reject the guy...
and he replies with "i dont need any words. its just you."
you tell him "its too late"
and he replies with
"but for me, its just you"
you walk away.
he shouts "i know our love is wrong, but i cant give you up, i cant let you go..."

bloody hell.
the guys just doesn't know when to stop.

dont get me wrong.
i love this song.
its bloody catchy... and the guys are the only reason why i dont mind the lyrics...
but seriously
putting these songs into context..
they're just damn creepy >.>

i dont know..
maybe its because korean's are just naturally more... mushy?
i mean they have every excuse to... considering they're korean.
but..
>.> seriously. lets just hope they don't actually influence their listeners to the point of actually reinacting any of their lyrics.

otherwise..

girls and guys.. beware...

"The moment my heart was captured by you I have no regret, I chose you That’s right, it’s you~~"

epic fail.

so, as some of you may know.
i take photography at school
which to some mentally challenged individuals, they consider it a "bum" subject.
well let tell you.
you try and take the subject and try to get excellence.
then you come back and dare to tell me its a "bum" subject.
because its definitely a freakin hell of a lot more than just snapping a few pictures.

anyways.
off topic..

with a subject like photography, obviously comes with
a lot
of costs.

one specific cost. is of hiring a digital camera.
to hire it for a week.
costs $5
which.. i guess alright.
and i guess would be why some individuals see it as an opportunity to take advantage of. by not returning the camera by its due date.
so
to prevent this from happening.
the school came up with a plan.
so hiring a camera costs $5 a week.
but.
if you go over your week.
you will then be charged $5
a day.

when i first heard this.
i knew.
i just knew.
that some poor, idiotic individual would probably forget to return the camera.
and end up having to pay the school hundreds.

little did i know,
that poor, idiotic individual would be.
me.

yes.
i did it.
there are many reasons and explanations as to how this came to be.
i could blame it on the flu i was suffering at the time
impairing my ability to remember things.
it could be the rush of assignments being quickly done and handed in
causing further impairment to my memory
but in all reality
i guess
i merely forgot.

in my mind however,
i had created a scenario in which i HAD returned the camera, i just couldn't remember myself doing so.
but somehow managed to convince myself otherwise.

so here i was, getting ready to hire another camera.
when the B1 ladies tell me that i hadn't returned my camera from
last term.
i did the calculations in my head.
3 weeks.
5 dollars.
fuck me.

as i was returning to B1, with the dreaded camera in my hand (which had been in my photography locker all along)
i desperately asked jacky what to do.
and he simply told me.
to cry.
i thought it was ridiculous.
to lower myself to the point of almost begging
i mean. this was my pride we were talking about here.
he expected me to cry?

so i went in there, hoping to flash them some watery eyes or something.
but as they went off and started doing the calculations for how much i owed.
i suddenly thought about the actual cost.
$135 (3 weeks plus this week plus other random costs)
i thought... how many burgers, manga, and other shit could i have bought with $135
then i thought about my parents.
my raging asian parents..
holy shit.
if they ever found out.
bro.
GG

....

and suddenly out of no where.
i decided to forget pride and dignity
and the tears just started flowing out.
and trust me.
once they started, it was hard to stop.
jacky, being my smart partner in crime, handed me a tissue for effect.
either that, or he actually believed me.

few minutes in, i actually thought that the tears werent working.
and i thought.
that perhaps the tears were too cliche, and that they might INCREASE the cost since they probably thought i was being too pussy about it.

but amazingly.
after a few more minutes, they said to me.
'look.
how about this.
you pay $20, and hopefully learn to be less reckless with your placement of such expensive equipment.'
i simply stared back in awe.
wow.
the relief i felt, was so amazing. i actually had no words.
the tears worked.
the fucking tears worked.
holy fucking hell.


thank you God.


so. a lesson to you all.

if you think you have done something
but you cannot remember actually physically doing it.
then
you probably haven't done it.
:)

indignation...

Sometimes, I cannot even begin to describe, nor understand this anger that I have bottled up inside me.
You want so much to just let it out. Physically, mentally, emotionally.
This need to just.
Lose.
Control.

How easy is it for us to simply go past that point of no return.
Yet it is common sense, and reality that keeps you from falling past that edge.

So many times, I have come so close.
But just trying not to fall, is an act in itself.
To keep yourself temporarily sane, to not let yourself feel the emotions pumping through your blood, takes a hell of a lot of self control.

And frankly. Im not much of a self control sort of person.
Which I guess is why I fuck up so much sometimes.
I mean.
When you’re blinded by fury.
Im talking about that blind rush. Of pure… rage.
Can you really see those flashing lights in front of you?
Telling you to stop? Telling you to control yourself. Telling you to take a fucking deep breath and actually expect everything to just be, normal?

I’ve tried all of these things.
and seriously?
Its just more satisfying to let yourself lose control.
Its like an orgasm of anger.
For that single moment.
Where you simply let go of all constraints.
You let go of all sanity, all common sense, all reason.
You feel almost on high, from the rush of endorphins and adrenaline, mixing in with rush of fury.

Unfortunately.
An angry person, yelling and screaming with unconstrained anger is pretty much the equivalent of a drunk.
Possibly a lot less sloppy and a lot more violent.
But with the same end result.
You will always end up regretting the things you say.
Because they will be words you did not bother to think through, words that you probably didn’t even mean, words you’d meant to use as shallow daggers which ended up cutting a lot deeper than expected.
Words that simply should never have left your mouth.

But alas. There has to be some consequence for this happy rush of anger.
And unfortunately, it means hurting others. A lot worse than you’d expect.
And in some brilliant cases, you end up hurting yourself.
As life would have it.

Which brings me back to my life moto.

if its too good to be true. it is.

the whole idea of karma , yin and yang and shit.
no matter what you do, there will always be consequences. and whether it be good or bad consequences purely depend on the what.

...

but in the end really.
who are we really hurting, when we let ourselves lose control like that?
nothing good ever comes out of losing control.
and i know it.
all too well..
yet what i cant understand is why i still do.
i mean.
i know the consequences.
yet..
i still go around doing this sort of shit to myself...
there has to be a better solution.

i dont know.
...
maybe one day...
i'll be a better person
and actually LEARN from my mistakes.

more incoherant rants about life and such.

i just watched, another depressing grey's anatomy episode.
i mean yeah.
pretty much every episode makes you cry
because someone dies too soon etc.
but usually,
all you really feel is sorry for them.
you know. the superficial sort of sadness.

this episode however.
although not one of the best.
and sort of annoying at times.
struck an all too familiar cord with me.
basically the plot was simple.
a bunch of college about to be graduates, are all squeezed into one small S.U.V
heading to their graduation.
the driver looks away from the road for one minute.
...
you can guess what happens.
next thing you know
they're being rushed to Seattle Grace (the hospital of greys)

there was this one guy.
and he just kept repeating that he needed to get to his graduation.
and later on get to know that he was graduating for his family, being the first to graduate in his family. you know, the whole build up of character to help the audience feel more of an attachment to him.
etc.
for your information.
he dies.

i think i felt more for the driver who kept asking for his girlfriend in a pink sweater
and when you finally see her.
the first thing you really notice, apart from her pink sweater,
is her stomach which has been cut open, with her guts spilling out.
needless to say, she didn't make it.
and then the guy dies from heartbreak.
i know. wtf.

then there was this girl
who was saying she needed to graduate.
constantly.
because of something about as soon as she graduates then she could start living.
that today was the day she was supposed to start living.

apparently, she had gone through all her life. study first.
never living life.
and graduation was the turning point in her life.
she was finally free, independent.
she was going to start living.

which really made me think.
we go through school and high school to do what?
prepare us for college.
and what is college really for?
to prepare us for life.

life.

oh god.
in the mind of an optimist.. life represents so many.. wonderful and colourful things.
however.
i am not an optimist.
so when i think life.
i think future.
when i think future..
i get this sinking, fluttering (not the good sort) of feeling in my stomach.
as i desperately try to avoid thinking of it at all.

the truth is.
i dont see a future.
and not in the see as in "have predictions or visions of the future" like a psychic. because. unfortunately, i do not have such skills.
rather..
i mean, i know i will have a future. everyone does... (dont give me shit about ppl dying. thats a completely different story)
so lets say, for arguments sake. i know i'll live to be at least 50
that mean i know i have a future.
but i really cannot even begin to imagine, the what where, why, and hows.
and not knowing... the specifics... is what... worries me.
and the whole knowing that what you do now is what gives you the specifics.
gives me a huge sense of pressure.

i dont know.

im babbling. as usual.
but really. the future scares me.
because i really dont see it.
i mean.
i know its there.
but i just cant seem to see it.

and that grey's episode was just depressing to see
these kids, having gone through so much, worked so hard.
to finally start living.
as independent adults
to die.
just.
like.
that.

son of a bloody scone eater.

sigh

i give up trying to understand.

its late.

goodnight world. and to whomever that bothers to read my posts.