indignation...

Sometimes, I cannot even begin to describe, nor understand this anger that I have bottled up inside me.
You want so much to just let it out. Physically, mentally, emotionally.
This need to just.
Lose.
Control.

How easy is it for us to simply go past that point of no return.
Yet it is common sense, and reality that keeps you from falling past that edge.

So many times, I have come so close.
But just trying not to fall, is an act in itself.
To keep yourself temporarily sane, to not let yourself feel the emotions pumping through your blood, takes a hell of a lot of self control.

And frankly. Im not much of a self control sort of person.
Which I guess is why I fuck up so much sometimes.
I mean.
When you’re blinded by fury.
Im talking about that blind rush. Of pure… rage.
Can you really see those flashing lights in front of you?
Telling you to stop? Telling you to control yourself. Telling you to take a fucking deep breath and actually expect everything to just be, normal?

I’ve tried all of these things.
and seriously?
Its just more satisfying to let yourself lose control.
Its like an orgasm of anger.
For that single moment.
Where you simply let go of all constraints.
You let go of all sanity, all common sense, all reason.
You feel almost on high, from the rush of endorphins and adrenaline, mixing in with rush of fury.

Unfortunately.
An angry person, yelling and screaming with unconstrained anger is pretty much the equivalent of a drunk.
Possibly a lot less sloppy and a lot more violent.
But with the same end result.
You will always end up regretting the things you say.
Because they will be words you did not bother to think through, words that you probably didn’t even mean, words you’d meant to use as shallow daggers which ended up cutting a lot deeper than expected.
Words that simply should never have left your mouth.

But alas. There has to be some consequence for this happy rush of anger.
And unfortunately, it means hurting others. A lot worse than you’d expect.
And in some brilliant cases, you end up hurting yourself.
As life would have it.

Which brings me back to my life moto.

if its too good to be true. it is.

the whole idea of karma , yin and yang and shit.
no matter what you do, there will always be consequences. and whether it be good or bad consequences purely depend on the what.

...

but in the end really.
who are we really hurting, when we let ourselves lose control like that?
nothing good ever comes out of losing control.
and i know it.
all too well..
yet what i cant understand is why i still do.
i mean.
i know the consequences.
yet..
i still go around doing this sort of shit to myself...
there has to be a better solution.

i dont know.
...
maybe one day...
i'll be a better person
and actually LEARN from my mistakes.