hello 2012. so far looking good.

I've been lazy. actually. I am lazy. But I keep to my word. So I am doing something I should've been doing 2 years ago.

A few things I have been thankful for.
As a mission for myself and Robin, we've decided to write a few things that we have been thankful for over the week at the end of each week.
I realise that these posts will grow increasingly mundane... but I think its a nice gesture to exercise. I really hope I will continue this through the year.

so for the first week of 2012.

I am thankful for...(in no particular order)

-having such an enjoyable road trip up to 90mile beach. I expected some of the chaos from the last road trip to recur, but thankfully we were extremely tame and even got to do a lot of exploring around the north!

-for having an amazing friend like Jeanny who let me sleep over at her house after road trip (my brother texted me that day telling me to come home since he was having a sleep over :( ), the bed I slept on was amazing... it cradled my back PERFECTLY. best sleep I've had in a long time.

-for making Jeanny watch 2 movies in a row with me, first Drive and then Melancholia. Watching the both of us sob like retards as the credits rolled for Melancholia made the film feel so much more real and amazing and truly made me appreciate having such an awesome friend to sit there and cry with me. there's nothing like crying together to bring friends to a whole new level of friendship. :)

-For having a retarded brother that reminds me to turn off the bathroom light every time I forget to.

-For my amazing grandmother.... for yelling at me everyday to clean my room, but at the same time waking up early every morning to make sure I wake up on time for work and making sure I have something to eat/drink before I leave. Words cannot express my love for you.

-For my retarded workmates at Farmers. Thank you for making work bearable, making indian jokes with me and helping me deal with dumbass difficult customers. I dont know half the things we laugh about at work, but it never ceases to make my night.

-And finally. but thank you Wenyu for investing in a phone card so I can randomly call a certain retarded someone overseas. I'm just happy that even though he is so far away I can contact him. :) and at risk of him reading this I am going to stop gushing now.

okay. thats seven right?
Yeah they don't have any particular deeper meaning to them. And as I was writing this I realised that there's actually a lot of things I have to be thankful for... I simply cant fit it all into a single blog post. But there is still one huge thing that I have to be thankful for that I havent managed to fit up there. And that is God.

Hi God...
I know I have been distant this past year and there were so many times when I should've depended on you but I selfishly decided to rely on myself instead. Thank you so much... for everything. 2010 was a horrible year, in fact the worst I've had in years... and I wept to you everyday about it. Then came 2011 and it was actually amazing. You gave me hope and opportunities I would have never thought possible. I've been gifted with such amazing friends and more family. I've been gifted with tools. Yet never this year have I properly thanked you for it. In fact everything was going so well, I pretty much forgot to talk to you at all. So I guess I'm going to use this time to say sorry and thank you. For being there through the good times and the bad. This year I will work harder in putting you in the center of my life. I realise now I have to work harder to become a better christian, so I can show others the positive influence you have on my life. :) And I should never be afraid to admit that I love you because your love is the reason why there is good this world. You loved us so that we could love others. Also thank you for helping our youth group grow physically and spiritually this year and I hope you continue to use us to shine your light onto others.

Okay before I continue rambling forever... I should stop here.
damn its almost 4am. and I am still up writing this damned post while watching football with Wey.

WHAT HAVE YOU DONE TO ME.... *____*

why, hello there.

its 3am. I've got work the next day and I want to go to sleep but instead all I can think about is this damned blog. I know I have long abandoned it, but something inside me is pulling me back.

My moment of blogging was brief and pretty uneventful for the most part, but it served its purpose. As a tool for reminiscing... and for that I am immensely grateful.
But then I look back at the gap that was 2010 and 2011, and I realised that without any written proof, it's like it almost didn't exist.

Okay.
that sounds extremely ridiculously dramatic. But when I mean it doesnt exist, I don't mean that a chunk of my life was swallowed by some rupture in the space time continuum, or that I randomly lost my memory or anything like that.

But rather I lost that spark, the trigger.

Everytime I read a blog post, it pulls me back to that time, it reminds me of the way things once were.

Its kind of like whenever I walk into an internet cafe, the smell of a dozen computers over heating from a day of heavy usage, mixed with the smell of sweaty asians, carefully concealed by the comforting smell of some sort of generic air freshener, packed into a tightly concealed windowless room, never ceases to reminds me of my first homestay's room. I remember walking in there for the first time. He was attempting to show me how to play Counter Strike. I think I was 12. I ventured into his room only to be hit by this particular smell. It was so distinct that I remember it to this day.

So what does that have to do with blogging?

to be honest, everything and nothing.
well like most things that relate to time, the point of all this babbling about ourselves is written and based purely on the fact that we know one day, in the near or distant future, we will look back at this post and remember something we have long forgotten.
Maybe a memory, or rather a memory of how we once used to be. We read in hopes of seeing if we've grown or matured in these past years, or in worst cases to see how far we've fallen from our prior selves. Either way, there's something nice about trying to keep track of your life.

For instance, now, I regret not keeping track of 2010, because that was when I had my first serious relationship. I wish I could've seen its high's and low's and maybe would've been able to pinpoint where it all began to crumble. I just hope I don't make the same mistakes.

And actually after much thought, I guess that's why Facebook did that whole timeline thing.
apart from the fact it makes it some much easier to fb stalk people.
(oh joy were the days of clicking older posts 20 times)
but it gives people a chance to reminisce on their lives, and I guess thats the point of keeping an online blog or anything tbh. So that we can just sit there and reminisce and see how much we've changed physically and mentally.

To be honest, re reading the past few years, I dont think much has changed within me. Except now, I may be possibly a little more optimistic than I was a pessimist. Perhaps its now time to call myself a Optimistic Pessimist.

And good God, after all these years of not writing, I sound terrible.

oh well.

practise makes perfect.

Funny thing is, I always find myself blogging around December. I guess its when we're most free.

oh shit. now the birds are bloody chirping. guess thats my cue to sleep.
Good night world.
I hope to see you again soon. :)

jokes.

hey to whomever still bothers reading blogs. mine in particular.

which i have successfully managed to neglect for nearly 2 years.

what can i say about these past 2 years?

its been absolute shit in too many areas. but.. surprisingly an absolute wonder in others.

anywho.

this is just an update to say.

i have moved... for those who bother to follow..

i am now going to attempt tumblr. it probably wont last more than 2 days.

but im going to try.

when i have the chance.

its something i made a while back. then sorta forgot about. then sorta remembered again?

either way.

here it is.

thingsthatdontexist.tumblr.com

stalk me if you want.

oh wow.

I have not blogged. since well, last year.

I remember thinking to myself on so many occasions "oh this would be fun to blog about, oh this would be cool to share" but in the end... I never did.

I'm not quite sure why I stopped writing..

Ii'd like to think it was because I felt content with life and did not feel the need to rant it out to the wide world of the internet.. but of course that would mean the cause of my return is because I once again feel discontent with my life.

neither is true.

I suppose I stopped blogging, merely because, as most humans tend to do with things, well... I simply had forgotten about it.

I had completed my goal of continuously blogging for a year, therefore it was only natural for this to happen.

it was like my fanfiction phase. Once I had started, it was hard to stop, I was completely enthralled with it. But once I had posted my first chapter, I found it hard to carry on.

I suppose this is one of my greatest downfalls. Simply that lack of motivation to keep striving, staying on track. I guess its why I am such a great procrastinator.

Sometimes I wish I just had better motivation, to strive, to want to achieve large goals in my life. But alas, I hide behind my supposed pessimistic mask, and become my very own barrier.

Wow.

this is exactly why I loved blogging, just a few minutes of ranting and I've already come to face one of my biggest flaws.

which reminds me of a story, that I had promised myself to post immediately on a blog as I was so afraid of forgetting the story...

sadly, I did not get around to writing a blog about it, nor do I remember the story as clearly as I did. But since I'm here. I might as well try.

So, as I was meeting with my diversion officer (as I had completely ... "killed?" my beloved car.. in an unfortunate car accident in which I had to go to court and plead guilty but luckily I am allowed to plead for diversion so that it does not get written into my record)

the officer that I met with turned out to be an extremely kind and gentle man, which was quite a juxtaposition when in contrast to the way he looked. He was a large man, bald, with one eye patched up, in fact he looked like a character off kill bill. Either way, I was pleasantly surprised at just how.. pleasant he turned out to be.

after talking me through all things I had to do to get diversion.. he asked me what I wanted to do in life..

Now this question, being in Year 13 now, is probably one of the most asked questions by any individual, adult, or friend around me, and to be honest, I was beginning to hate it. I hated watching their looks of anticipation, especially with my parents friends, as they expected something great like a doctor, engineer or a lawyer, so most of the time I would simply answer with an extremely vague "I don't know yet." [insert forced smile here]

But occasionally, I would tell them the truth and tell them another vague answer, but slightly more specific, "I want to be an artist.. a designer.. I guess." which was what I told this diversion officer. Rather than getting usual nod of "ahh.. umm.. well.. that sounds.. lovely" he simply gave me a deep smile and told me. "ahh... I've got a story to tell you."

Now, if I could remember these stories of his, I would definitely try to retell them... but alas my memory fails me and I believe that my retelling would hardly do the man justice. I guess, as cliched as his stories were, they gave a sense of hope to me.

in a nutshell, his stories were all about different individuals that had a goal or talent in their lives, in which they spent the rest of their years after school or uni striving for it. and after lots of hard work and dedication, they were living the good life, doing what they loved most.

thinking about it now, it is terribly cliched. in fact, overheard.

but..

the way he... explained it.. just felt... well made me feel hopeful. in an extremely childish way. he made me believe that if I really wanted this future for myself, I would be successful.

he told me, there will always be people better than you, but if you think like that, you are only limiting yourself.

if you have a dream, and work hard to do your best at achieving it. you will achieve it.

quite a simple goal really..

have a dream. and work hard to achieve it...

I dont know... sometimes, I just feel so unstable and unsafe pursuing this art dream of mine. and the problem is... I still really dont have any idea as to what I really want to do, or achieve...

all I do know is I want to create things, that aesthetically please.. myself and others.

I guess, you just need confidence in yourself, confidence that you have the willpower to achieve your goals..

sigh.

I dont know.. all this thinking about the future is giving me a headache.. although I have a feeling this headache is more from my declining eye sight in one eye.

which gives me something to blog about next time.

i'm not quite sure what I've achieved from this massive rant.. but I do feel, quite relieved for getting it off my chest.

This will be fun to read over in the future.

anyways. I'm off to do more media woork.

goodnight world. :D

oh yes. and I changed the layout of my blog..

guess I was bored and felt like a change in scenery.

that bright blue was becoming a bit much..

in contrast to yesterday...

something.

amazing.

happened today while i was working.

some lady came up to me, and gave me a TWO DOLLAR TIP!!!

yes. someone actually thought i was being a capable waitress and decided to tip me!!!

i mean. its about time! haha.

but no. really... when it happened..

i was genuinely surprised.. but extremely flattered.

to think that someone actually took notice of the work you'd been doing to tip you..

the most surprising thing of it all was that i had barely done anything for the woman.

at most, i had given her some tea... and soup.

but.. really? thats what we do immediately for anyone that comes in.

hardly a special act worthy of being tipped two dollars.

to be honest. when i had first given the lady the soup.

she had kind of looked at me in a scary way. and actually said no to one of the two soups i had been carrying..

so damn. i must've been something right.

on a slightly completely different note.

today, as i was catching the half past 8 bus back home from work, sitting in my usual fetal position, ipod plugged into my ears and all,

i realised, just how much i missed being a passenger.

there's just so many little details you miss, when you're too busy driving,

and its those little details, from the details of houses, to the way trees seem to dance past, that i miss so much.

it also reminded me again why i love riding the bus.

not only are the windows large and clear so you can see everything around you, its also almost kind of like a rollercoaster ride.

you know, from the way it seems to grumble as it changes gears, to the way it rocks up and down along the roads

the way it moves and sounds, feels just like one.

especially if like me, your bus tends to take the small streets, in which the twists and turns are endlessly fun.

and sometimes.. in it all. its just nice to take the bus by yourself.

theres just something about being able to sit comfortably somewhere and watch as the world flies past to good music,

as you allow yourself to dwell in thoughts and contemplate.

its the little things.

i think i had a pretty productive day today.

oh my lord.

one thing that is super pissing me off. right now. is my stupid freaking internet.

it just keeps bloody disconnecting.

i mean seriously, WTF IS WRONG WITH YOU.

it won't even let me stay on long enough to open a bloody web page. thank you very much.

wanker.

i dont know, maybe its my computer, or the internet.

either way, i feel like smashing both to pieces.

*swears some more*

and ugh. just when i thought i had managed to control my swearing tendencies..

i pretty much swear at least twice in every sentence i get out of my mouth. and believe me those sentences are not exactly very long, nor coherent.

which is good i guess. i mean, who wants to listen to some crazy girl constantly tell her computer to somehow artificially inseminate itself.

...

i swear, though, every difficulty i have has been multiplied ten fold by this stupid pre "time of the month" mood swings i've been having.

and its getting harder and harder to restrain myself. im pretty sure im going to break something. very. soon.

speaking of things that piss me off that i know of. is this retard.

yeah thats right. im going to post a blog about you, retard. but of course you won't realise, because never read this thing anyway.

thanks btw.

and if you did, its only because i told you to.

in which, if you are reading right now, get off my blog. cos its useless to do something just because someone tells you to. there's really no point is there?

and seriously retard. if you're not listening to what im talking about on the phone, can you please have the decency to admit you weren't actually listening rather than dig yourself a bigger hole and pretend you were.

it only further increases my urge to kill you.

seriously.

okay. maybe not kill. but. you get the point.

ughh

but seriously, i am really this close to breaking something. preferably this computer.

i mean how can such an inanimate object be so retarded???? you're nearly as bad as some retarded human i know.

seriously though. for a computer. YOU ARE COMPLETELY USELESS.

ugh. now, im even wasting my breath talking to the stupid thing.

whatever.

i think i've raged enough..

and i think i wont kill you anymore.. purely because. i cant be fucked anymore. fuck i sweared.

shit.

i mean crap.

oh fuck it.

just another day. not really.

today was one of those days

when i realised just how completely useless i was. when i was alone.

of course some days are better than others..

but today was just one of those days that just felt... wrong from the very beginning..

i realised, that even when you're surrounded by people, you can still be alone in so many ways.

yes i'm stating the obvious. but. this feeling is different for me..

because i'm one of those people that actually try, to erase those feelings by bonding with others. but sometimes. its just not enough.

and when you fail, those feelings of loneliness only seem to stab back a hundred times more agonizingly.

another horrible thing about being me, is that i'm one of those people that constantly talk to themselves, while i make quite good company most of the time. it only seems to heighten self consciousness. as you know, you notice everything, about the people around you and yourself.

which in most cases, is a lot more than necessary.

whenever someone walks by me, immediately i begin to consider the person's situation.

christmas shopping, catching a late bus, etc. then the potential person that that person could be, from personality to work habits.

its something that keeps the mind busy, and constantly intrigues. and usually on good days its only one way. in which i'd only consider things about the person.

but on bad days. such as this. it gets more personal.

in which i'd see an old lady walk past me as i took a photo of dancing santa, and i would imagine her thinking "asian tourist."

okay, maybe not that racist. but... it would be things that would relate back to me, only heightening the self consciousness.

which i find so frustrating at the same time. i mean, what was the point in being so weak?

as i said, bad days.

i just hate it, when it gets to a point where you just feel like breaking down for no reason other than, your heart aches.

and you don't even know why.

maybe its because of everything wrong combined, or maybe the series of events you may have endured to consequently lead to this, in which is the same conclusion as the first, just in more words.

or maybe it was the empty void in my heart, which on most days i wouldn't even notice.

but on some, it would grow and make itself so awkwardly obviously, that you had no choice but to follow its demands and wallow in its self pitifulness.

haha.

i think its nearly that time of the month.

what do you do when it feels like your world is falling apart around you?

when you lose that sense of security that you never really knew was there until you lose it?

when everything you've ever known, is being questioned?

when you know, soon, you will lose it all..

what do you do?

...

9/11

tonight, for the first time in many, many years, my family went out for dinner.

together.

and, i realised exactly why we didn't do it more often.

as i sat there watching my family make orders, i felt like i was watching some horrible asian family drama on tv.

my dad, insisted to get deep fried crab balls.

while my mum argued we shouldn't. as she and my brother were allergic.

meanwhile my grandparents sat there oblivious, adding more food to our already long list of food to come, and my brother sat next to me whining about how no one could hear him as he asked for the tenth time to eat some korean looking dish.

you could feel the tension in the air as things went from bad to worse..

these were all little things really, so little i barely would notice them at home on the rare occasions my family did eat together.

but it felt like, since we in public, every move we made was amplified.

and it was more than just simply ordering a wrong set, but rather i knew that my family was practically at our breaking point.

my parents were both stressed beyond breaking point, and my grandparents were still mourning, while my brother was simply growing more and more into a twat.

i wasn't any better.

and i knew, one wrong move, and we'd all snap.

as my dad began to grow annoyed as he couldn't get his crab balls, i could see in my mum's eyes how close she was to cracking.

when my grandma began lecturing him on the unhealthiness of the crab balls, it only made things worse.

looking for a distraction, i turned to my parents and asked them whether or not they would attend my prize giving tomorrow night.

well, it was less used as a distracting device but rather something that had been on my mind for quite a while now

so, i asked, even though i already knew the answer..

and although i expected what they were going to say, i still couldn't seem to stop tears from welling up inside when i heard it.

im such a pussy.

...

unfortunately, my dad noticed too, and said he would try..

but, selfishly, it wasn't enough.

i really wanted both of them..

in my own selfish way, i wanted them both to see my achievements just to reassure myself that i wasn't disappointing them.

but in so many ways... i already had.

and wonderfully, my failed distraction device only added to the tension bringing myself down as well.

brilliant.

deep down inside, it was all i could do to stop myself from yelling...

but i knew, from so many experiences, it never helps.

as much as i wanted to throw my own hissy fit, i couldn't help but remember just what we were celebrating today..

my grandma's birthday.

she initially didn't want to do anything, she was still mourning silently over the death of her eldest child to cancer..an uncle i never got to meet..

so i knew, i couldn't let this night go bad. regardless of how i felt.

i couldn't let my family snap now.

so i joined my mum's attempts to control the situation, making myself the bigger man and tried to piece things together.

and amazingly, like adding oil to fire, the positive feeling ignited within the rest of my family members and slowly we regained consciousness of just where we were and why.

thankfully, when the food came, that pretty much shut most of us up.

and as it turns out, all we really needed was to satisfy our empty stomachs.

which, remarkably lightens up the mood quite a bit.

you know...

after writing all this.

i dont even know what the point of this post was..

i remember feeling so annoyed in the beginning.

but now..

quite indifferent.

..

well.

ain't i awesome.

i just used up 45minutes of studying time to ramble about nothing.

if anyone makes sense of this post, please tell me.

but technically you all should be studying instead of reading peoples blogs.

tsk tsk.

strange tendencies...

one thing i've realised about myself recently, is that while i'm up late doing homework and such, i have a strange tendency...
to talk to myself.
and to make it worse, i do so in a horrible, horrible british accent.
half the time i don't even realise i'm doing so until i suddenly hear myself.
i mean, i've always this tendency to talk to myself. but it seems, that as the years go by, and as i gradually become more and more stressed, i tend to talk myself more frequently.
it would begin as simply voicing out loud my thoughts
to me having a full conversation...with myself.
its quite.. strange, i know. even for me.
but its just, one of those habits that seem to have evolved into a life of its own...

although really.
the british accent?
maybe its because of my secret admiration for the british accent, or maybe i've just been watching too much skins...
but it feels like, while im talking in this accent, i feel like another person.
almost like an alter ego of some sort.
maybe i have a multiple personality disorder..
would a person know if they had multiple personality disorder?
all of this is too strange really.

as much as i would like to keep rambling.
i realise it is almost 3am. and i have an english internal to do tomorrow morning...
i guess 5 hours of sleep it is..

all thanks to the holidays..

im finally updating this.
because...
i just realised how many people out there do actually read my blog
and *sniff* even if you guys just read it out of boredom.
i am. touched.
seriously.
i love you guys. *sniff*

anyways.
even though i haven't been blogging...physically.
i've always been thinking about blogging.

for instance... i'd be on the bus... and i'd see something interesting and think "ooo that'd be something to blog about"
and this would happen constantly throughout the week.
i'd have all these great ideas to share with people..
but i guess. i just never got around to doing it..

another problem is.
i used to kind of use this blog as a mental release...
but now that its become a bit more well known..
its slightly put me off writing more about my personal life on here..
well. because.
someone might read it.
which i guess is the point..
but...its different...
i dont think im quite... ready. to become another one of those people that simply "broadcast" their lives to the world..
i'd rather not have some 40 year old in some country living through me vicariously..
at least not quite yet.
so for now.. i'll leave a bit of ambiguity to my blog.

so speaking of personal life.
one thing i am willing to share.
and painfully gush about.
is korean dramas.
oh lord.
this is worst than the time i watched boys over flowers.
which took me 3 days to watch about 24 episodes..
now.
i've watch 3 drama's. 18 episodes each.
within 6 days...
do the maths.
...
minus 5-6 hours of sleep.
that basically equals to..
me having no life. :D
which can be fun. until life eventually comes knocking on your door. asking for a refund for the wasted hours.

i dont know how it happened really.
one minute wenyu asks me to watch some drama she watched in china.
next thing you know. im laughing and crying like i have bipolar.
my grandma would walk past my room every time and simply stare.
and mutter under her breath. "she's finally gone crazy.."
while my parents would simply nod and sigh.
they're all too familiar to my korean drama phases.
although usually. it wouldn't be for this long.
and this many...

for some reason.
after the first drama.
i couldn't stop.
i was addicted.
i needed more.
watching these dramas finally seemed to quench my inner thirst... for...something or rather. which im not quite sure what it is. but was something that definitely needed quenching.
actually..
now that i think about it...
it filled an empty void.
this void of longing that i had in my heart.
perhaps created from the lack of substance.. or to put it more specifically. the lack of...a guy to distract me from life.
sigh.
its silly to want something like that right now.
well i mean.
not that i cant. or shouldn't really..
im a seventeen year old girl. hormones have kicked in.
of course i can. and should.
but
realistically?
with school and this transition of being a teenager to an adult and such.
i really cant be bothered to let myself become emotionally drained by something as trivial as a guy.
which goes against everything really.
because.
no matter what. im still gonna want a guy...
and i guess.
really, im using life as an excuse not to get one.
ah.. but still.
just thinking about this is emotionally draining.

which i guess is why i love korean drama's.
you give your hearts to the drama's.
and they in turn. love you back.
you throw yourself into the main characters lives... and live vicariously through them.
and although its temporary..
it satisfies the inner need. to find a guy.

plus.
i highly doubt i could find one to live up to my expectations now a days.
thanks to the drama's.
oh well.
there has to be consequences.

anyways.
this turned out to be another seemingly useless ramble about... nothing.
and all this talk about not broadcasting my life. has been pretty much thrown out the window...
well.. part of my life anyways.

sigh.
im gonna go watch another drama.

A short summary of my lovely drama's.
which i recommend to all!! XD

Delightful/Sassy Girl Choon Hyang
boy meets girl, boy gets drunk and sleeps in the same bed as girl, which in turn results in the boy and girl having to get married to save their reputations...while they're still in high school.
lots of comedy and romance.

My Girl
boy meets girl after nearly hitting girl. girl tries to rip guy off. guy then decides to use girl and her swindling skills to pretend to be his long lost cousin for the sake of his dying grandpa. who miraculously recovers, resulting in the girl having to possibly pretend to be his cousin forever. then he starts to fall for girl.

Coffee Prince
Guy meets a guy, who is actually a girl pretending to be a guy... well already half looks like one because of her tomboy ways. anyways. guy meets guy who is a girl pretending to be a guy so she can keep her job at the coffee prince. creating problems when the guy starts to fall for the girl who he thinks is a guy. lol.

Shining Inheritance
lol the next drama im planning to watch.
not sure what its about yet.
something about the girl becoming a cinderella type girl. and her and the main guy hating each other.
ah. love hate relationships are the best.

potentially dangerous...

so. like pretty much every other asian female in this world.
im a sucker for the korean franchise.
from their endless amount of drama's
to their endless amount of hot girls and guys (whether or not they've been physically altered..)
and recently.
i've been pulled helplessly into the world of korean music..

oh god.
from those hot girls from Wonder Girls and Girls Generation
to the even hotter guys of Super Junior..
and the worst thing?
their songs were just so damn catchy.
i mean.
i had no clue what they were on about half the time
but i didn't care.
IT SOUNDS GOOD
thats good enough for me..

but one day
i decided...
hey, if im going to be trying to sing along to this stuff (yes im actually going to try..)
i might as well figure out what half these lyrics mean.
i mean.
its only courtesy to at least try to understand the language you're trying to speak.
and i figured it could teach me a thing or two about the korean language...
haha.

So i went around specifically looking for the lyrics for
Gee - Girls Generation
and
Its You - Super Junior
and discovered that.
wow.
korean's are corny as hell...
i mean. some of these lyrics were just so..
FLUFFY. to the point of it being... dangerously fluffy... >.>
...
let me show you.

okay first song i found.

Gee by Girls Generation.

Aha!
Listen Boy My First Love Story
My angel
And my Girls
My Sunshine
Ah ah let's Go
You're so handsome my eyes are blinded
I can't breath because i'm trembling
Gee gee gee gee
Baby baby baby baby
Gee gee gee gee
Baby baby baby baby
oh i feel so embarressed
I can't look at you
I feel shy because I've fallen in love Gee gee gee gee Baby baby baby baby Gee gee gee gee Baby baby baby baby What should i do?
What should I Do? About my trembling Heart My trembling heart
My heart kept thumping
So I couldn't fall asleep at night
I guess I guess i'm a fool
a fool that knows only you
yes,as i look at you
So bright so bright My eyes are blinded
no no no no no
so surprised surprised
I'm shocked
oh oh oh oh oh
so tingly tingly My body's trembling
gee gee gee gee gee
glittering eyes (oh yeah)
sweet aroma (o yeah yeah yeah)
oh so pretty, your heart is so pretty i was captured at first glance
caught so closly
gee gee gee gee
baby baby baby baby
gee gee gee gee
baby baby baby baby I can't touch it because it's so hot I'm engulfed by love's firecompletly Gee gee gee gee
baby baby baby baby
gee gee gee gee
Baby baby baby baby
what should i do what should i do
because i'm so shy
I'm so shy
I don't know why but everyday
i long for only you
My close friends tell me
that i'm a really helpless fool
But as i look at you

area's i couldn't help but notice.
and were repeated constantly throughout the song.
this girl is describing her dream guy..
but to me he sounds a little TOO unreal.
"so bright so bright, im blinded"
what is he? Edward Cullen?
and god.. the way she talks about how she feels about him?
DO THEY HAVE NO SHAME?!
she sounds borderline obsessive throughout this song...
seriously.

then.. there's
Its You by Super Junior.
>.> my god...

It’s you
It’s you
It’s you
It’s only you
It’s you
It’s you

I don’t need anyone else, it’s only you
When you ask again, it’s only you
Even if you already have another love
I can’t forget you, I can’t turn back around
Oh ~
The moment my eyes began to burn
The moment my heart was captured by you I have no regret, I chose you That’s right, it’s you (that im going to obsessively stalk >.>)

Chorus :
Oh whatever anyone anyone says, it doesn’t matter to me Oh whoever whoever curses me, I’ll only look at you Even when I’m born again, it’s still only you (Still Still) Even as time goes by

Oh when you tell me you love me
When you tell me thousands and millions of times
Even when my heart sets on fire, my dry lips wear out
Even when I’m born again, it’s still only you
(Still Still) Even as time goes by

Oh oh only for you Oh oh only for you
Oh oh only for you Oh oh only for you
Oh oh only for you Oh oh only for you
Oh oh only for you

It’s you
I don’t need any words. it’s just you
“ It’s too late “ , but for me it’s just you
I know our love is wrong
I can’t give up, I can’t let you go
Ah Ah (seriously? >.>)

My lips, cold as can be, are even more blue
I cry out to find to find your warmth
I call, even though I call for you
And there’s no reply, I’ll wait for you

Chorus.

Okay.

so i dunno.

maybe chicks find this sort of stuff
romantic...
but seriously? to me?
its encouraging. STALKERS

i mean... here's a song about a love that wont work out.
and throughout..
the guys are just saying. that they wont give up. no matter what...
which fine. if the guy looked like them, singing it to me... then i wouldn't mind.
but if i put it onto..
"normal" guys...
those words just come out... as... creepy.
imagine this.
a guy confesses to you.
but unfortunately. you dont feel the same way.
so you reject them.
naturally this is where they back away.. and slowly get over it.
but here is a song
encouraging these poor suckers to hold onto these feelings and not let go..
turning these guys into potential stalkers >.>

now lets put one section of the song into context.
so.. this one

"It’s you
I don’t need any words. it’s just you
“ It’s too late “ , but for me it’s just you
I know our love is wrong
I can’t give up, I can’t let you go
Ah Ah"

so here you are trying to reject the guy...
and he replies with "i dont need any words. its just you."
you tell him "its too late"
and he replies with
"but for me, its just you"
you walk away.
he shouts "i know our love is wrong, but i cant give you up, i cant let you go..."

bloody hell.
the guys just doesn't know when to stop.

dont get me wrong.
i love this song.
its bloody catchy... and the guys are the only reason why i dont mind the lyrics...
but seriously
putting these songs into context..
they're just damn creepy >.>

i dont know..
maybe its because korean's are just naturally more... mushy?
i mean they have every excuse to... considering they're korean.
but..
>.> seriously. lets just hope they don't actually influence their listeners to the point of actually reinacting any of their lyrics.

otherwise..

girls and guys.. beware...

"The moment my heart was captured by you I have no regret, I chose you That’s right, it’s you~~"

epic fail.

so, as some of you may know.
i take photography at school
which to some mentally challenged individuals, they consider it a "bum" subject.
well let tell you.
you try and take the subject and try to get excellence.
then you come back and dare to tell me its a "bum" subject.
because its definitely a freakin hell of a lot more than just snapping a few pictures.

anyways.
off topic..

with a subject like photography, obviously comes with
a lot
of costs.

one specific cost. is of hiring a digital camera.
to hire it for a week.
costs $5
which.. i guess alright.
and i guess would be why some individuals see it as an opportunity to take advantage of. by not returning the camera by its due date.
so
to prevent this from happening.
the school came up with a plan.
so hiring a camera costs $5 a week.
but.
if you go over your week.
you will then be charged $5
a day.

when i first heard this.
i knew.
i just knew.
that some poor, idiotic individual would probably forget to return the camera.
and end up having to pay the school hundreds.

little did i know,
that poor, idiotic individual would be.
me.

yes.
i did it.
there are many reasons and explanations as to how this came to be.
i could blame it on the flu i was suffering at the time
impairing my ability to remember things.
it could be the rush of assignments being quickly done and handed in
causing further impairment to my memory
but in all reality
i guess
i merely forgot.

in my mind however,
i had created a scenario in which i HAD returned the camera, i just couldn't remember myself doing so.
but somehow managed to convince myself otherwise.

so here i was, getting ready to hire another camera.
when the B1 ladies tell me that i hadn't returned my camera from
last term.
i did the calculations in my head.
3 weeks.
5 dollars.
fuck me.

as i was returning to B1, with the dreaded camera in my hand (which had been in my photography locker all along)
i desperately asked jacky what to do.
and he simply told me.
to cry.
i thought it was ridiculous.
to lower myself to the point of almost begging
i mean. this was my pride we were talking about here.
he expected me to cry?

so i went in there, hoping to flash them some watery eyes or something.
but as they went off and started doing the calculations for how much i owed.
i suddenly thought about the actual cost.
$135 (3 weeks plus this week plus other random costs)
i thought... how many burgers, manga, and other shit could i have bought with $135
then i thought about my parents.
my raging asian parents..
holy shit.
if they ever found out.
bro.
GG

....

and suddenly out of no where.
i decided to forget pride and dignity
and the tears just started flowing out.
and trust me.
once they started, it was hard to stop.
jacky, being my smart partner in crime, handed me a tissue for effect.
either that, or he actually believed me.

few minutes in, i actually thought that the tears werent working.
and i thought.
that perhaps the tears were too cliche, and that they might INCREASE the cost since they probably thought i was being too pussy about it.

but amazingly.
after a few more minutes, they said to me.
'look.
how about this.
you pay $20, and hopefully learn to be less reckless with your placement of such expensive equipment.'
i simply stared back in awe.
wow.
the relief i felt, was so amazing. i actually had no words.
the tears worked.
the fucking tears worked.
holy fucking hell.


thank you God.


so. a lesson to you all.

if you think you have done something
but you cannot remember actually physically doing it.
then
you probably haven't done it.
:)

indignation...

Sometimes, I cannot even begin to describe, nor understand this anger that I have bottled up inside me.
You want so much to just let it out. Physically, mentally, emotionally.
This need to just.
Lose.
Control.

How easy is it for us to simply go past that point of no return.
Yet it is common sense, and reality that keeps you from falling past that edge.

So many times, I have come so close.
But just trying not to fall, is an act in itself.
To keep yourself temporarily sane, to not let yourself feel the emotions pumping through your blood, takes a hell of a lot of self control.

And frankly. Im not much of a self control sort of person.
Which I guess is why I fuck up so much sometimes.
I mean.
When you’re blinded by fury.
Im talking about that blind rush. Of pure… rage.
Can you really see those flashing lights in front of you?
Telling you to stop? Telling you to control yourself. Telling you to take a fucking deep breath and actually expect everything to just be, normal?

I’ve tried all of these things.
and seriously?
Its just more satisfying to let yourself lose control.
Its like an orgasm of anger.
For that single moment.
Where you simply let go of all constraints.
You let go of all sanity, all common sense, all reason.
You feel almost on high, from the rush of endorphins and adrenaline, mixing in with rush of fury.

Unfortunately.
An angry person, yelling and screaming with unconstrained anger is pretty much the equivalent of a drunk.
Possibly a lot less sloppy and a lot more violent.
But with the same end result.
You will always end up regretting the things you say.
Because they will be words you did not bother to think through, words that you probably didn’t even mean, words you’d meant to use as shallow daggers which ended up cutting a lot deeper than expected.
Words that simply should never have left your mouth.

But alas. There has to be some consequence for this happy rush of anger.
And unfortunately, it means hurting others. A lot worse than you’d expect.
And in some brilliant cases, you end up hurting yourself.
As life would have it.

Which brings me back to my life moto.

if its too good to be true. it is.

the whole idea of karma , yin and yang and shit.
no matter what you do, there will always be consequences. and whether it be good or bad consequences purely depend on the what.

...

but in the end really.
who are we really hurting, when we let ourselves lose control like that?
nothing good ever comes out of losing control.
and i know it.
all too well..
yet what i cant understand is why i still do.
i mean.
i know the consequences.
yet..
i still go around doing this sort of shit to myself...
there has to be a better solution.

i dont know.
...
maybe one day...
i'll be a better person
and actually LEARN from my mistakes.

more incoherant rants about life and such.

i just watched, another depressing grey's anatomy episode.
i mean yeah.
pretty much every episode makes you cry
because someone dies too soon etc.
but usually,
all you really feel is sorry for them.
you know. the superficial sort of sadness.

this episode however.
although not one of the best.
and sort of annoying at times.
struck an all too familiar cord with me.
basically the plot was simple.
a bunch of college about to be graduates, are all squeezed into one small S.U.V
heading to their graduation.
the driver looks away from the road for one minute.
...
you can guess what happens.
next thing you know
they're being rushed to Seattle Grace (the hospital of greys)

there was this one guy.
and he just kept repeating that he needed to get to his graduation.
and later on get to know that he was graduating for his family, being the first to graduate in his family. you know, the whole build up of character to help the audience feel more of an attachment to him.
etc.
for your information.
he dies.

i think i felt more for the driver who kept asking for his girlfriend in a pink sweater
and when you finally see her.
the first thing you really notice, apart from her pink sweater,
is her stomach which has been cut open, with her guts spilling out.
needless to say, she didn't make it.
and then the guy dies from heartbreak.
i know. wtf.

then there was this girl
who was saying she needed to graduate.
constantly.
because of something about as soon as she graduates then she could start living.
that today was the day she was supposed to start living.

apparently, she had gone through all her life. study first.
never living life.
and graduation was the turning point in her life.
she was finally free, independent.
she was going to start living.

which really made me think.
we go through school and high school to do what?
prepare us for college.
and what is college really for?
to prepare us for life.

life.

oh god.
in the mind of an optimist.. life represents so many.. wonderful and colourful things.
however.
i am not an optimist.
so when i think life.
i think future.
when i think future..
i get this sinking, fluttering (not the good sort) of feeling in my stomach.
as i desperately try to avoid thinking of it at all.

the truth is.
i dont see a future.
and not in the see as in "have predictions or visions of the future" like a psychic. because. unfortunately, i do not have such skills.
rather..
i mean, i know i will have a future. everyone does... (dont give me shit about ppl dying. thats a completely different story)
so lets say, for arguments sake. i know i'll live to be at least 50
that mean i know i have a future.
but i really cannot even begin to imagine, the what where, why, and hows.
and not knowing... the specifics... is what... worries me.
and the whole knowing that what you do now is what gives you the specifics.
gives me a huge sense of pressure.

i dont know.

im babbling. as usual.
but really. the future scares me.
because i really dont see it.
i mean.
i know its there.
but i just cant seem to see it.

and that grey's episode was just depressing to see
these kids, having gone through so much, worked so hard.
to finally start living.
as independent adults
to die.
just.
like.
that.

son of a bloody scone eater.

sigh

i give up trying to understand.

its late.

goodnight world. and to whomever that bothers to read my posts.

oh god.
here it is again.
the thing i dread most..
i keep trying to push it away.
deny it of its hunger.
but alas.
i am weak.
i cannot deny its need.

this need...

to procrastinate.

oh god.
i dont even want to think about all those wasted opportunities.
not to mention this damned insomnia
that i seem to be suffering from.

its a simple matter of turning off my wretched laptopconnectedtoamonitormakingitnotalaptopanymorebutacomputerwannabe
and lying on top of your bed
and closing your eyes.

its that simple.

and yet. for some reason
my brain simply cant seem to comprehend this action
to sleep.
it just keeps feeding me excuses.
again and again.

"oh its not that late.."
"oh restaurant city is back online"
"oh you don't need to wake up tmrw. in fact you dont have to wake up at all. just keep doing whatever you're doing. you don't need sleep. cos you're fucking superman"

oh freakin god.
i have the voice of an insane person.

its at times like these when i realise
the importance

of control, over your mind.
if your mind does not obey
how do you expect to even make it through the day.
in one piece.

oh god.
i need sleep.
i want sleep.
but i just cant seem to let myself.

sometimes, i feel that the only reason im an insomniac
is because
in some sort of ironic cliche
i feel like
im losing time.
and the only way i can get it back
is by
not. sleeping.

time is the only constant thing in my life.
and i guess.
if i dont sleep
i get more.
time.
that is..
yay.
this is definitely a healthy attitude.

whats that?
you think i should go where?
no i will not!
theres a difference between insomniac and insane.
...

im talking to myself.

oh god.

im talking to myself.

thats it.
i dont care anymore.
im sleeping.
whether my brain likes it or not.

D:

...
btw. incase you couldn't tell.
this was just me rambling.
no need to take any of this seriously.
and i assure you.
i am completely
100%
a okay. sane. healthy. non suicidal. the works.
i just need to learn
to sleep.
:D

goodnight world.
thank you for also being another constant thing in this life.

i wanna catch a love and make it stay...

i've recently discovered quite a lovely band.
voxtrot.
i love his voice.
i love the music.
and most importantly.. i love the lyrics.
some are simply so poetically put..

this song.
Long Haul.

i feel reflects my state of mind recently the best..

truly a beautiful song to listen to..

--x--

Somebody told me if you live this way
Then it's a long, long haul
I wanna catch a love and make it stay
Oh it's a long, long haul
When you know darkness you can love a day
Oh it's a long, long haul
I've never seen it, I just talk this way
Oh it's a long, long haul

And you lie to us both
We are words, nothing holds

I wanna catch a love and make it stay
Oh it's a long, long haul
I'll draw a little joy now of this
Place before I get too old
I'll flee these troubled horses from this
Place within my troubled soul
And there is nothing, so far

If we are salt and earth and sun and stone
Then it's a long, long fall
To fixing trouble in a broken home
And if you won't, you won't call
When you can walk beside me past my past
Oh it's a long, long haul
I wanna catch a love and make it last
Oh it's a long, long haul

And you lie to us both
We are words nothing holds

I wanna catch a love and make it stay
Oh it's a long, long haul
I'll draw a little joy out of this
Place before I get too old
I'll flee these troubled horses from this
Place within my troubled soul
And there is nothing, so far

And nothing,
so far

I wanna catch a love and make it stay
I wanna catch a love and make it stay
I wanna catch a love and make it stay
I wanna catch a love and make it stay

--x--

I wanna catch a love and make it stay...

oh. woe.

the world hates me.

*cries in a corner*

umm.

i fail at screen shotting.
lol
actually i just don't know how.
so instead
i will simply copy and paste.

im pretty sure half the world has seen it already.
but.
god.
T___T
im still depressed as hell over it.

so i finally found this infamous

"what chance do you have with megan fox"
so i figured.
i'd give it a try.
since. well. megan fox... whether you like her or not.
is still.
EXTREMELY super hot.
and reminds me of that chick from vertigo..
but wow.
her face.
and body..
mmm..

so i did the quiz and was devastated to find THIS.

Annaliesa Tran T____T
why????
WHY???

Annaliesa just took the "Chances with Megan Fox" quiz and the result is 0% Chance.

She laughs at the thought

Yesterday at 10:32pm · Comment · LikeUnlike · Show Feedback (5)Hide Feedback (5) · Take this Quiz · Compare yourself to Annaliesa

You like this.

Lj Tai at 10:35pm July 9

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!! XD

Alex Bayliss at 10:37pm July 9

ROFL ...........

Annaliesa Tran at 10:42pm July 9

not.
cool.
T___T

Yunsi Luoyu at 10:49pm July 9

lol its ok anna, im here >.<

Annaliesa Tran at 11:15pm July 9

T_____T
yunsi.
i love you.
T_____T
♥

it was like. Heart break.

T____T

how could this be??
why??

and to make it worse..
i managed to make 11 others take the quiz.
and EVERYONE got at least 50% chance with her plus
except for chao wei
who still got more than me
with his
0.0000000001%
>_____>

so in my woe.

i decided to take the quiz again.
thinking..
whats the worse that could happen.
as if i could get anything LOWER
than 0%

...
i was wrong. T_____T

Annaliesa Tran HOLY SHIT
T_____T
WTF
i took the quiz again and i got THIS! T___T

*cries in a corner*

Annaliesa just took the "Chances with Megan Fox" quiz and the result is -100% Chance.

she hates you

Yesterday at 11:50pm · Comment · LikeUnlike · Show Feedback (12)Hide Feedback (12) · Take this Quiz · Compare yourself to Annaliesa

You, Shannen Lim, James Graves and Wenyu Ouyang like this.

Shannen Lim, James Graves and Wenyu Ouyang like this.

Wenyu Ouyang at 11:51pm July 9

LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL
LMAO LMAO LMAO!!!
NEGATIVE XD this is hilarious!!!

Wenyu Ouyang at 11:51pm July 9

you really are a chick repellant =p

Jacky Su at 11:57pm July 9

LOL! "she hates you"

That's it. I'm taking this quiz.

i had no idea that could even happen.

T______T

EPIC. FAIL.

*sobs*

Life and Times in the Tran Residence.

Wow. What a hectic week its been.
although surprisingly, even with the ball and such.
i still find the highlight of my week.
being with my family. XD

such as.

just last night..
my dad found his old "michael jackson's greatest hits" dvd.
so we decided to pop it in to check it out.

and you know,
as it was only about 1am in the morning. we decided to put it on full volume and then proceed to sing along to all the songs.
super asian karaoke style. >XD
it actually got to the point where my dad actually got up and started dancing.

it was lovely.

his butt was wobbling everywhere.
my brother laughed as much as an emo boy could.
my mom tried to pretend not to stare.
while my grandma promptly left the room. toilet she says... *cough*

and i...
being the wonderful daughter i was.
began looking for a camera.

unfortunately.
i couldn't find it.
so i resorted to the next best thing.
dancing along with him.

XD

as i said, it was lovely.

and tonight.
me and my brother spent half an hour running around the house, screaming at each other.
but the nice sort of screaming.

basically.
i wouldn't get off his bed.
so he resorted into getting out his secret defense mechanism.
toothpicks.

trust me. they're deadly.

and so, the great toothpick war began.

with my brother running at me with not just one.
but TWO toothpicks, one in each hand.

i managed to defend myself with some of my own.

it was a long fight. but well worth it.
with some splintered toothpicks along the way.
...
we lost a lot of good toothpicks that night.
but got plenty of good exercise in doing so.

seriously. though.
with all the ruckus we made (it was around midnight when we started)
im surprised that our homestays haven't killed us in our sleep yet...
who knows.
tonight could be the night they actually snap..
hmm.
...

either way.

i discovered that.
its these little things, these little quirky moments in our boring lives that i truly learn to appreciate my family in all their weird glory.
im thankful.
but most importantly.
im thankful to michael jackson.
and your wonderful pelvic thrusting dance moves..
which have some how brought my family together even more than we were before
i guess they really are magic.

and so with a soppy, corny post.
i leave with a short 20sec video of just how intense that toothpick fight was.

and yes.
that pedophile like breathing noise you hear, is me.
...
what?
i was running!
hence out of breath!
thats what everyone sounds like when they run...
>___>