oh my lord.

one thing that is super pissing me off. right now. is my stupid freaking internet.

it just keeps bloody disconnecting.

i mean seriously, WTF IS WRONG WITH YOU.

it won't even let me stay on long enough to open a bloody web page. thank you very much.

wanker.

i dont know, maybe its my computer, or the internet.

either way, i feel like smashing both to pieces.

*swears some more*

and ugh. just when i thought i had managed to control my swearing tendencies..

i pretty much swear at least twice in every sentence i get out of my mouth. and believe me those sentences are not exactly very long, nor coherent.

which is good i guess. i mean, who wants to listen to some crazy girl constantly tell her computer to somehow artificially inseminate itself.

...

i swear, though, every difficulty i have has been multiplied ten fold by this stupid pre "time of the month" mood swings i've been having.

and its getting harder and harder to restrain myself. im pretty sure im going to break something. very. soon.

speaking of things that piss me off that i know of. is this retard.

yeah thats right. im going to post a blog about you, retard. but of course you won't realise, because never read this thing anyway.

thanks btw.

and if you did, its only because i told you to.

in which, if you are reading right now, get off my blog. cos its useless to do something just because someone tells you to. there's really no point is there?

and seriously retard. if you're not listening to what im talking about on the phone, can you please have the decency to admit you weren't actually listening rather than dig yourself a bigger hole and pretend you were.

it only further increases my urge to kill you.

seriously.

okay. maybe not kill. but. you get the point.

ughh

but seriously, i am really this close to breaking something. preferably this computer.

i mean how can such an inanimate object be so retarded???? you're nearly as bad as some retarded human i know.

seriously though. for a computer. YOU ARE COMPLETELY USELESS.

ugh. now, im even wasting my breath talking to the stupid thing.

whatever.

i think i've raged enough..

and i think i wont kill you anymore.. purely because. i cant be fucked anymore. fuck i sweared.

shit.

i mean crap.

oh fuck it.

just another day. not really.

today was one of those days

when i realised just how completely useless i was. when i was alone.

of course some days are better than others..

but today was just one of those days that just felt... wrong from the very beginning..

i realised, that even when you're surrounded by people, you can still be alone in so many ways.

yes i'm stating the obvious. but. this feeling is different for me..

because i'm one of those people that actually try, to erase those feelings by bonding with others. but sometimes. its just not enough.

and when you fail, those feelings of loneliness only seem to stab back a hundred times more agonizingly.

another horrible thing about being me, is that i'm one of those people that constantly talk to themselves, while i make quite good company most of the time. it only seems to heighten self consciousness. as you know, you notice everything, about the people around you and yourself.

which in most cases, is a lot more than necessary.

whenever someone walks by me, immediately i begin to consider the person's situation.

christmas shopping, catching a late bus, etc. then the potential person that that person could be, from personality to work habits.

its something that keeps the mind busy, and constantly intrigues. and usually on good days its only one way. in which i'd only consider things about the person.

but on bad days. such as this. it gets more personal.

in which i'd see an old lady walk past me as i took a photo of dancing santa, and i would imagine her thinking "asian tourist."

okay, maybe not that racist. but... it would be things that would relate back to me, only heightening the self consciousness.

which i find so frustrating at the same time. i mean, what was the point in being so weak?

as i said, bad days.

i just hate it, when it gets to a point where you just feel like breaking down for no reason other than, your heart aches.

and you don't even know why.

maybe its because of everything wrong combined, or maybe the series of events you may have endured to consequently lead to this, in which is the same conclusion as the first, just in more words.

or maybe it was the empty void in my heart, which on most days i wouldn't even notice.

but on some, it would grow and make itself so awkwardly obviously, that you had no choice but to follow its demands and wallow in its self pitifulness.

haha.

i think its nearly that time of the month.

what do you do when it feels like your world is falling apart around you?

when you lose that sense of security that you never really knew was there until you lose it?

when everything you've ever known, is being questioned?

when you know, soon, you will lose it all..

what do you do?

...

9/11

tonight, for the first time in many, many years, my family went out for dinner.

together.

and, i realised exactly why we didn't do it more often.

as i sat there watching my family make orders, i felt like i was watching some horrible asian family drama on tv.

my dad, insisted to get deep fried crab balls.

while my mum argued we shouldn't. as she and my brother were allergic.

meanwhile my grandparents sat there oblivious, adding more food to our already long list of food to come, and my brother sat next to me whining about how no one could hear him as he asked for the tenth time to eat some korean looking dish.

you could feel the tension in the air as things went from bad to worse..

these were all little things really, so little i barely would notice them at home on the rare occasions my family did eat together.

but it felt like, since we in public, every move we made was amplified.

and it was more than just simply ordering a wrong set, but rather i knew that my family was practically at our breaking point.

my parents were both stressed beyond breaking point, and my grandparents were still mourning, while my brother was simply growing more and more into a twat.

i wasn't any better.

and i knew, one wrong move, and we'd all snap.

as my dad began to grow annoyed as he couldn't get his crab balls, i could see in my mum's eyes how close she was to cracking.

when my grandma began lecturing him on the unhealthiness of the crab balls, it only made things worse.

looking for a distraction, i turned to my parents and asked them whether or not they would attend my prize giving tomorrow night.

well, it was less used as a distracting device but rather something that had been on my mind for quite a while now

so, i asked, even though i already knew the answer..

and although i expected what they were going to say, i still couldn't seem to stop tears from welling up inside when i heard it.

im such a pussy.

...

unfortunately, my dad noticed too, and said he would try..

but, selfishly, it wasn't enough.

i really wanted both of them..

in my own selfish way, i wanted them both to see my achievements just to reassure myself that i wasn't disappointing them.

but in so many ways... i already had.

and wonderfully, my failed distraction device only added to the tension bringing myself down as well.

brilliant.

deep down inside, it was all i could do to stop myself from yelling...

but i knew, from so many experiences, it never helps.

as much as i wanted to throw my own hissy fit, i couldn't help but remember just what we were celebrating today..

my grandma's birthday.

she initially didn't want to do anything, she was still mourning silently over the death of her eldest child to cancer..an uncle i never got to meet..

so i knew, i couldn't let this night go bad. regardless of how i felt.

i couldn't let my family snap now.

so i joined my mum's attempts to control the situation, making myself the bigger man and tried to piece things together.

and amazingly, like adding oil to fire, the positive feeling ignited within the rest of my family members and slowly we regained consciousness of just where we were and why.

thankfully, when the food came, that pretty much shut most of us up.

and as it turns out, all we really needed was to satisfy our empty stomachs.

which, remarkably lightens up the mood quite a bit.

you know...

after writing all this.

i dont even know what the point of this post was..

i remember feeling so annoyed in the beginning.

but now..

quite indifferent.

..

well.

ain't i awesome.

i just used up 45minutes of studying time to ramble about nothing.

if anyone makes sense of this post, please tell me.

but technically you all should be studying instead of reading peoples blogs.

tsk tsk.