in contrast to yesterday...

something.

amazing.

happened today while i was working.

some lady came up to me, and gave me a TWO DOLLAR TIP!!!

yes. someone actually thought i was being a capable waitress and decided to tip me!!!

i mean. its about time! haha.

but no. really... when it happened..

i was genuinely surprised.. but extremely flattered.

to think that someone actually took notice of the work you'd been doing to tip you..

the most surprising thing of it all was that i had barely done anything for the woman.

at most, i had given her some tea... and soup.

but.. really? thats what we do immediately for anyone that comes in.

hardly a special act worthy of being tipped two dollars.

to be honest. when i had first given the lady the soup.

she had kind of looked at me in a scary way. and actually said no to one of the two soups i had been carrying..

so damn. i must've been something right.

on a slightly completely different note.

today, as i was catching the half past 8 bus back home from work, sitting in my usual fetal position, ipod plugged into my ears and all,

i realised, just how much i missed being a passenger.

there's just so many little details you miss, when you're too busy driving,

and its those little details, from the details of houses, to the way trees seem to dance past, that i miss so much.

it also reminded me again why i love riding the bus.

not only are the windows large and clear so you can see everything around you, its also almost kind of like a rollercoaster ride.

you know, from the way it seems to grumble as it changes gears, to the way it rocks up and down along the roads

the way it moves and sounds, feels just like one.

especially if like me, your bus tends to take the small streets, in which the twists and turns are endlessly fun.

and sometimes.. in it all. its just nice to take the bus by yourself.

theres just something about being able to sit comfortably somewhere and watch as the world flies past to good music,

as you allow yourself to dwell in thoughts and contemplate.

its the little things.

i think i had a pretty productive day today.

oh my lord.

one thing that is super pissing me off. right now. is my stupid freaking internet.

it just keeps bloody disconnecting.

i mean seriously, WTF IS WRONG WITH YOU.

it won't even let me stay on long enough to open a bloody web page. thank you very much.

wanker.

i dont know, maybe its my computer, or the internet.

either way, i feel like smashing both to pieces.

*swears some more*

and ugh. just when i thought i had managed to control my swearing tendencies..

i pretty much swear at least twice in every sentence i get out of my mouth. and believe me those sentences are not exactly very long, nor coherent.

which is good i guess. i mean, who wants to listen to some crazy girl constantly tell her computer to somehow artificially inseminate itself.

...

i swear, though, every difficulty i have has been multiplied ten fold by this stupid pre "time of the month" mood swings i've been having.

and its getting harder and harder to restrain myself. im pretty sure im going to break something. very. soon.

speaking of things that piss me off that i know of. is this retard.

yeah thats right. im going to post a blog about you, retard. but of course you won't realise, because never read this thing anyway.

thanks btw.

and if you did, its only because i told you to.

in which, if you are reading right now, get off my blog. cos its useless to do something just because someone tells you to. there's really no point is there?

and seriously retard. if you're not listening to what im talking about on the phone, can you please have the decency to admit you weren't actually listening rather than dig yourself a bigger hole and pretend you were.

it only further increases my urge to kill you.

seriously.

okay. maybe not kill. but. you get the point.

ughh

but seriously, i am really this close to breaking something. preferably this computer.

i mean how can such an inanimate object be so retarded???? you're nearly as bad as some retarded human i know.

seriously though. for a computer. YOU ARE COMPLETELY USELESS.

ugh. now, im even wasting my breath talking to the stupid thing.

whatever.

i think i've raged enough..

and i think i wont kill you anymore.. purely because. i cant be fucked anymore. fuck i sweared.

shit.

i mean crap.

oh fuck it.

just another day. not really.

today was one of those days

when i realised just how completely useless i was. when i was alone.

of course some days are better than others..

but today was just one of those days that just felt... wrong from the very beginning..

i realised, that even when you're surrounded by people, you can still be alone in so many ways.

yes i'm stating the obvious. but. this feeling is different for me..

because i'm one of those people that actually try, to erase those feelings by bonding with others. but sometimes. its just not enough.

and when you fail, those feelings of loneliness only seem to stab back a hundred times more agonizingly.

another horrible thing about being me, is that i'm one of those people that constantly talk to themselves, while i make quite good company most of the time. it only seems to heighten self consciousness. as you know, you notice everything, about the people around you and yourself.

which in most cases, is a lot more than necessary.

whenever someone walks by me, immediately i begin to consider the person's situation.

christmas shopping, catching a late bus, etc. then the potential person that that person could be, from personality to work habits.

its something that keeps the mind busy, and constantly intrigues. and usually on good days its only one way. in which i'd only consider things about the person.

but on bad days. such as this. it gets more personal.

in which i'd see an old lady walk past me as i took a photo of dancing santa, and i would imagine her thinking "asian tourist."

okay, maybe not that racist. but... it would be things that would relate back to me, only heightening the self consciousness.

which i find so frustrating at the same time. i mean, what was the point in being so weak?

as i said, bad days.

i just hate it, when it gets to a point where you just feel like breaking down for no reason other than, your heart aches.

and you don't even know why.

maybe its because of everything wrong combined, or maybe the series of events you may have endured to consequently lead to this, in which is the same conclusion as the first, just in more words.

or maybe it was the empty void in my heart, which on most days i wouldn't even notice.

but on some, it would grow and make itself so awkwardly obviously, that you had no choice but to follow its demands and wallow in its self pitifulness.

haha.

i think its nearly that time of the month.

what do you do when it feels like your world is falling apart around you?

when you lose that sense of security that you never really knew was there until you lose it?

when everything you've ever known, is being questioned?

when you know, soon, you will lose it all..

what do you do?

...

9/11

tonight, for the first time in many, many years, my family went out for dinner.

together.

and, i realised exactly why we didn't do it more often.

as i sat there watching my family make orders, i felt like i was watching some horrible asian family drama on tv.

my dad, insisted to get deep fried crab balls.

while my mum argued we shouldn't. as she and my brother were allergic.

meanwhile my grandparents sat there oblivious, adding more food to our already long list of food to come, and my brother sat next to me whining about how no one could hear him as he asked for the tenth time to eat some korean looking dish.

you could feel the tension in the air as things went from bad to worse..

these were all little things really, so little i barely would notice them at home on the rare occasions my family did eat together.

but it felt like, since we in public, every move we made was amplified.

and it was more than just simply ordering a wrong set, but rather i knew that my family was practically at our breaking point.

my parents were both stressed beyond breaking point, and my grandparents were still mourning, while my brother was simply growing more and more into a twat.

i wasn't any better.

and i knew, one wrong move, and we'd all snap.

as my dad began to grow annoyed as he couldn't get his crab balls, i could see in my mum's eyes how close she was to cracking.

when my grandma began lecturing him on the unhealthiness of the crab balls, it only made things worse.

looking for a distraction, i turned to my parents and asked them whether or not they would attend my prize giving tomorrow night.

well, it was less used as a distracting device but rather something that had been on my mind for quite a while now

so, i asked, even though i already knew the answer..

and although i expected what they were going to say, i still couldn't seem to stop tears from welling up inside when i heard it.

im such a pussy.

...

unfortunately, my dad noticed too, and said he would try..

but, selfishly, it wasn't enough.

i really wanted both of them..

in my own selfish way, i wanted them both to see my achievements just to reassure myself that i wasn't disappointing them.

but in so many ways... i already had.

and wonderfully, my failed distraction device only added to the tension bringing myself down as well.

brilliant.

deep down inside, it was all i could do to stop myself from yelling...

but i knew, from so many experiences, it never helps.

as much as i wanted to throw my own hissy fit, i couldn't help but remember just what we were celebrating today..

my grandma's birthday.

she initially didn't want to do anything, she was still mourning silently over the death of her eldest child to cancer..an uncle i never got to meet..

so i knew, i couldn't let this night go bad. regardless of how i felt.

i couldn't let my family snap now.

so i joined my mum's attempts to control the situation, making myself the bigger man and tried to piece things together.

and amazingly, like adding oil to fire, the positive feeling ignited within the rest of my family members and slowly we regained consciousness of just where we were and why.

thankfully, when the food came, that pretty much shut most of us up.

and as it turns out, all we really needed was to satisfy our empty stomachs.

which, remarkably lightens up the mood quite a bit.

you know...

after writing all this.

i dont even know what the point of this post was..

i remember feeling so annoyed in the beginning.

but now..

quite indifferent.

..

well.

ain't i awesome.

i just used up 45minutes of studying time to ramble about nothing.

if anyone makes sense of this post, please tell me.

but technically you all should be studying instead of reading peoples blogs.

tsk tsk.

strange tendencies...

one thing i've realised about myself recently, is that while i'm up late doing homework and such, i have a strange tendency...
to talk to myself.
and to make it worse, i do so in a horrible, horrible british accent.
half the time i don't even realise i'm doing so until i suddenly hear myself.
i mean, i've always this tendency to talk to myself. but it seems, that as the years go by, and as i gradually become more and more stressed, i tend to talk myself more frequently.
it would begin as simply voicing out loud my thoughts
to me having a full conversation...with myself.
its quite.. strange, i know. even for me.
but its just, one of those habits that seem to have evolved into a life of its own...

although really.
the british accent?
maybe its because of my secret admiration for the british accent, or maybe i've just been watching too much skins...
but it feels like, while im talking in this accent, i feel like another person.
almost like an alter ego of some sort.
maybe i have a multiple personality disorder..
would a person know if they had multiple personality disorder?
all of this is too strange really.

as much as i would like to keep rambling.
i realise it is almost 3am. and i have an english internal to do tomorrow morning...
i guess 5 hours of sleep it is..

all thanks to the holidays..

im finally updating this.
because...
i just realised how many people out there do actually read my blog
and *sniff* even if you guys just read it out of boredom.
i am. touched.
seriously.
i love you guys. *sniff*

anyways.
even though i haven't been blogging...physically.
i've always been thinking about blogging.

for instance... i'd be on the bus... and i'd see something interesting and think "ooo that'd be something to blog about"
and this would happen constantly throughout the week.
i'd have all these great ideas to share with people..
but i guess. i just never got around to doing it..

another problem is.
i used to kind of use this blog as a mental release...
but now that its become a bit more well known..
its slightly put me off writing more about my personal life on here..
well. because.
someone might read it.
which i guess is the point..
but...its different...
i dont think im quite... ready. to become another one of those people that simply "broadcast" their lives to the world..
i'd rather not have some 40 year old in some country living through me vicariously..
at least not quite yet.
so for now.. i'll leave a bit of ambiguity to my blog.

so speaking of personal life.
one thing i am willing to share.
and painfully gush about.
is korean dramas.
oh lord.
this is worst than the time i watched boys over flowers.
which took me 3 days to watch about 24 episodes..
now.
i've watch 3 drama's. 18 episodes each.
within 6 days...
do the maths.
...
minus 5-6 hours of sleep.
that basically equals to..
me having no life. :D
which can be fun. until life eventually comes knocking on your door. asking for a refund for the wasted hours.

i dont know how it happened really.
one minute wenyu asks me to watch some drama she watched in china.
next thing you know. im laughing and crying like i have bipolar.
my grandma would walk past my room every time and simply stare.
and mutter under her breath. "she's finally gone crazy.."
while my parents would simply nod and sigh.
they're all too familiar to my korean drama phases.
although usually. it wouldn't be for this long.
and this many...

for some reason.
after the first drama.
i couldn't stop.
i was addicted.
i needed more.
watching these dramas finally seemed to quench my inner thirst... for...something or rather. which im not quite sure what it is. but was something that definitely needed quenching.
actually..
now that i think about it...
it filled an empty void.
this void of longing that i had in my heart.
perhaps created from the lack of substance.. or to put it more specifically. the lack of...a guy to distract me from life.
sigh.
its silly to want something like that right now.
well i mean.
not that i cant. or shouldn't really..
im a seventeen year old girl. hormones have kicked in.
of course i can. and should.
but
realistically?
with school and this transition of being a teenager to an adult and such.
i really cant be bothered to let myself become emotionally drained by something as trivial as a guy.
which goes against everything really.
because.
no matter what. im still gonna want a guy...
and i guess.
really, im using life as an excuse not to get one.
ah.. but still.
just thinking about this is emotionally draining.

which i guess is why i love korean drama's.
you give your hearts to the drama's.
and they in turn. love you back.
you throw yourself into the main characters lives... and live vicariously through them.
and although its temporary..
it satisfies the inner need. to find a guy.

plus.
i highly doubt i could find one to live up to my expectations now a days.
thanks to the drama's.
oh well.
there has to be consequences.

anyways.
this turned out to be another seemingly useless ramble about... nothing.
and all this talk about not broadcasting my life. has been pretty much thrown out the window...
well.. part of my life anyways.

sigh.
im gonna go watch another drama.

A short summary of my lovely drama's.
which i recommend to all!! XD

Delightful/Sassy Girl Choon Hyang
boy meets girl, boy gets drunk and sleeps in the same bed as girl, which in turn results in the boy and girl having to get married to save their reputations...while they're still in high school.
lots of comedy and romance.

My Girl
boy meets girl after nearly hitting girl. girl tries to rip guy off. guy then decides to use girl and her swindling skills to pretend to be his long lost cousin for the sake of his dying grandpa. who miraculously recovers, resulting in the girl having to possibly pretend to be his cousin forever. then he starts to fall for girl.

Coffee Prince
Guy meets a guy, who is actually a girl pretending to be a guy... well already half looks like one because of her tomboy ways. anyways. guy meets guy who is a girl pretending to be a guy so she can keep her job at the coffee prince. creating problems when the guy starts to fall for the girl who he thinks is a guy. lol.

Shining Inheritance
lol the next drama im planning to watch.
not sure what its about yet.
something about the girl becoming a cinderella type girl. and her and the main guy hating each other.
ah. love hate relationships are the best.

potentially dangerous...

so. like pretty much every other asian female in this world.
im a sucker for the korean franchise.
from their endless amount of drama's
to their endless amount of hot girls and guys (whether or not they've been physically altered..)
and recently.
i've been pulled helplessly into the world of korean music..

oh god.
from those hot girls from Wonder Girls and Girls Generation
to the even hotter guys of Super Junior..
and the worst thing?
their songs were just so damn catchy.
i mean.
i had no clue what they were on about half the time
but i didn't care.
IT SOUNDS GOOD
thats good enough for me..

but one day
i decided...
hey, if im going to be trying to sing along to this stuff (yes im actually going to try..)
i might as well figure out what half these lyrics mean.
i mean.
its only courtesy to at least try to understand the language you're trying to speak.
and i figured it could teach me a thing or two about the korean language...
haha.

So i went around specifically looking for the lyrics for
Gee - Girls Generation
and
Its You - Super Junior
and discovered that.
wow.
korean's are corny as hell...
i mean. some of these lyrics were just so..
FLUFFY. to the point of it being... dangerously fluffy... >.>
...
let me show you.

okay first song i found.

Gee by Girls Generation.

Aha!
Listen Boy My First Love Story
My angel
And my Girls
My Sunshine
Ah ah let's Go
You're so handsome my eyes are blinded
I can't breath because i'm trembling
Gee gee gee gee
Baby baby baby baby
Gee gee gee gee
Baby baby baby baby
oh i feel so embarressed
I can't look at you
I feel shy because I've fallen in love Gee gee gee gee Baby baby baby baby Gee gee gee gee Baby baby baby baby What should i do?
What should I Do? About my trembling Heart My trembling heart
My heart kept thumping
So I couldn't fall asleep at night
I guess I guess i'm a fool
a fool that knows only you
yes,as i look at you
So bright so bright My eyes are blinded
no no no no no
so surprised surprised
I'm shocked
oh oh oh oh oh
so tingly tingly My body's trembling
gee gee gee gee gee
glittering eyes (oh yeah)
sweet aroma (o yeah yeah yeah)
oh so pretty, your heart is so pretty i was captured at first glance
caught so closly
gee gee gee gee
baby baby baby baby
gee gee gee gee
baby baby baby baby I can't touch it because it's so hot I'm engulfed by love's firecompletly Gee gee gee gee
baby baby baby baby
gee gee gee gee
Baby baby baby baby
what should i do what should i do
because i'm so shy
I'm so shy
I don't know why but everyday
i long for only you
My close friends tell me
that i'm a really helpless fool
But as i look at you

area's i couldn't help but notice.
and were repeated constantly throughout the song.
this girl is describing her dream guy..
but to me he sounds a little TOO unreal.
"so bright so bright, im blinded"
what is he? Edward Cullen?
and god.. the way she talks about how she feels about him?
DO THEY HAVE NO SHAME?!
she sounds borderline obsessive throughout this song...
seriously.

then.. there's
Its You by Super Junior.
>.> my god...

It’s you
It’s you
It’s you
It’s only you
It’s you
It’s you

I don’t need anyone else, it’s only you
When you ask again, it’s only you
Even if you already have another love
I can’t forget you, I can’t turn back around
Oh ~
The moment my eyes began to burn
The moment my heart was captured by you I have no regret, I chose you That’s right, it’s you (that im going to obsessively stalk >.>)

Chorus :
Oh whatever anyone anyone says, it doesn’t matter to me Oh whoever whoever curses me, I’ll only look at you Even when I’m born again, it’s still only you (Still Still) Even as time goes by

Oh when you tell me you love me
When you tell me thousands and millions of times
Even when my heart sets on fire, my dry lips wear out
Even when I’m born again, it’s still only you
(Still Still) Even as time goes by

Oh oh only for you Oh oh only for you
Oh oh only for you Oh oh only for you
Oh oh only for you Oh oh only for you
Oh oh only for you

It’s you
I don’t need any words. it’s just you
“ It’s too late “ , but for me it’s just you
I know our love is wrong
I can’t give up, I can’t let you go
Ah Ah (seriously? >.>)

My lips, cold as can be, are even more blue
I cry out to find to find your warmth
I call, even though I call for you
And there’s no reply, I’ll wait for you

Chorus.

Okay.

so i dunno.

maybe chicks find this sort of stuff
romantic...
but seriously? to me?
its encouraging. STALKERS

i mean... here's a song about a love that wont work out.
and throughout..
the guys are just saying. that they wont give up. no matter what...
which fine. if the guy looked like them, singing it to me... then i wouldn't mind.
but if i put it onto..
"normal" guys...
those words just come out... as... creepy.
imagine this.
a guy confesses to you.
but unfortunately. you dont feel the same way.
so you reject them.
naturally this is where they back away.. and slowly get over it.
but here is a song
encouraging these poor suckers to hold onto these feelings and not let go..
turning these guys into potential stalkers >.>

now lets put one section of the song into context.
so.. this one

"It’s you
I don’t need any words. it’s just you
“ It’s too late “ , but for me it’s just you
I know our love is wrong
I can’t give up, I can’t let you go
Ah Ah"

so here you are trying to reject the guy...
and he replies with "i dont need any words. its just you."
you tell him "its too late"
and he replies with
"but for me, its just you"
you walk away.
he shouts "i know our love is wrong, but i cant give you up, i cant let you go..."

bloody hell.
the guys just doesn't know when to stop.

dont get me wrong.
i love this song.
its bloody catchy... and the guys are the only reason why i dont mind the lyrics...
but seriously
putting these songs into context..
they're just damn creepy >.>

i dont know..
maybe its because korean's are just naturally more... mushy?
i mean they have every excuse to... considering they're korean.
but..
>.> seriously. lets just hope they don't actually influence their listeners to the point of actually reinacting any of their lyrics.

otherwise..

girls and guys.. beware...

"The moment my heart was captured by you I have no regret, I chose you That’s right, it’s you~~"

epic fail.

so, as some of you may know.
i take photography at school
which to some mentally challenged individuals, they consider it a "bum" subject.
well let tell you.
you try and take the subject and try to get excellence.
then you come back and dare to tell me its a "bum" subject.
because its definitely a freakin hell of a lot more than just snapping a few pictures.

anyways.
off topic..

with a subject like photography, obviously comes with
a lot
of costs.

one specific cost. is of hiring a digital camera.
to hire it for a week.
costs $5
which.. i guess alright.
and i guess would be why some individuals see it as an opportunity to take advantage of. by not returning the camera by its due date.
so
to prevent this from happening.
the school came up with a plan.
so hiring a camera costs $5 a week.
but.
if you go over your week.
you will then be charged $5
a day.

when i first heard this.
i knew.
i just knew.
that some poor, idiotic individual would probably forget to return the camera.
and end up having to pay the school hundreds.

little did i know,
that poor, idiotic individual would be.
me.

yes.
i did it.
there are many reasons and explanations as to how this came to be.
i could blame it on the flu i was suffering at the time
impairing my ability to remember things.
it could be the rush of assignments being quickly done and handed in
causing further impairment to my memory
but in all reality
i guess
i merely forgot.

in my mind however,
i had created a scenario in which i HAD returned the camera, i just couldn't remember myself doing so.
but somehow managed to convince myself otherwise.

so here i was, getting ready to hire another camera.
when the B1 ladies tell me that i hadn't returned my camera from
last term.
i did the calculations in my head.
3 weeks.
5 dollars.
fuck me.

as i was returning to B1, with the dreaded camera in my hand (which had been in my photography locker all along)
i desperately asked jacky what to do.
and he simply told me.
to cry.
i thought it was ridiculous.
to lower myself to the point of almost begging
i mean. this was my pride we were talking about here.
he expected me to cry?

so i went in there, hoping to flash them some watery eyes or something.
but as they went off and started doing the calculations for how much i owed.
i suddenly thought about the actual cost.
$135 (3 weeks plus this week plus other random costs)
i thought... how many burgers, manga, and other shit could i have bought with $135
then i thought about my parents.
my raging asian parents..
holy shit.
if they ever found out.
bro.
GG

....

and suddenly out of no where.
i decided to forget pride and dignity
and the tears just started flowing out.
and trust me.
once they started, it was hard to stop.
jacky, being my smart partner in crime, handed me a tissue for effect.
either that, or he actually believed me.

few minutes in, i actually thought that the tears werent working.
and i thought.
that perhaps the tears were too cliche, and that they might INCREASE the cost since they probably thought i was being too pussy about it.

but amazingly.
after a few more minutes, they said to me.
'look.
how about this.
you pay $20, and hopefully learn to be less reckless with your placement of such expensive equipment.'
i simply stared back in awe.
wow.
the relief i felt, was so amazing. i actually had no words.
the tears worked.
the fucking tears worked.
holy fucking hell.


thank you God.


so. a lesson to you all.

if you think you have done something
but you cannot remember actually physically doing it.
then
you probably haven't done it.
:)

indignation...

Sometimes, I cannot even begin to describe, nor understand this anger that I have bottled up inside me.
You want so much to just let it out. Physically, mentally, emotionally.
This need to just.
Lose.
Control.

How easy is it for us to simply go past that point of no return.
Yet it is common sense, and reality that keeps you from falling past that edge.

So many times, I have come so close.
But just trying not to fall, is an act in itself.
To keep yourself temporarily sane, to not let yourself feel the emotions pumping through your blood, takes a hell of a lot of self control.

And frankly. Im not much of a self control sort of person.
Which I guess is why I fuck up so much sometimes.
I mean.
When you’re blinded by fury.
Im talking about that blind rush. Of pure… rage.
Can you really see those flashing lights in front of you?
Telling you to stop? Telling you to control yourself. Telling you to take a fucking deep breath and actually expect everything to just be, normal?

I’ve tried all of these things.
and seriously?
Its just more satisfying to let yourself lose control.
Its like an orgasm of anger.
For that single moment.
Where you simply let go of all constraints.
You let go of all sanity, all common sense, all reason.
You feel almost on high, from the rush of endorphins and adrenaline, mixing in with rush of fury.

Unfortunately.
An angry person, yelling and screaming with unconstrained anger is pretty much the equivalent of a drunk.
Possibly a lot less sloppy and a lot more violent.
But with the same end result.
You will always end up regretting the things you say.
Because they will be words you did not bother to think through, words that you probably didn’t even mean, words you’d meant to use as shallow daggers which ended up cutting a lot deeper than expected.
Words that simply should never have left your mouth.

But alas. There has to be some consequence for this happy rush of anger.
And unfortunately, it means hurting others. A lot worse than you’d expect.
And in some brilliant cases, you end up hurting yourself.
As life would have it.

Which brings me back to my life moto.

if its too good to be true. it is.

the whole idea of karma , yin and yang and shit.
no matter what you do, there will always be consequences. and whether it be good or bad consequences purely depend on the what.

...

but in the end really.
who are we really hurting, when we let ourselves lose control like that?
nothing good ever comes out of losing control.
and i know it.
all too well..
yet what i cant understand is why i still do.
i mean.
i know the consequences.
yet..
i still go around doing this sort of shit to myself...
there has to be a better solution.

i dont know.
...
maybe one day...
i'll be a better person
and actually LEARN from my mistakes.

more incoherant rants about life and such.

i just watched, another depressing grey's anatomy episode.
i mean yeah.
pretty much every episode makes you cry
because someone dies too soon etc.
but usually,
all you really feel is sorry for them.
you know. the superficial sort of sadness.

this episode however.
although not one of the best.
and sort of annoying at times.
struck an all too familiar cord with me.
basically the plot was simple.
a bunch of college about to be graduates, are all squeezed into one small S.U.V
heading to their graduation.
the driver looks away from the road for one minute.
...
you can guess what happens.
next thing you know
they're being rushed to Seattle Grace (the hospital of greys)

there was this one guy.
and he just kept repeating that he needed to get to his graduation.
and later on get to know that he was graduating for his family, being the first to graduate in his family. you know, the whole build up of character to help the audience feel more of an attachment to him.
etc.
for your information.
he dies.

i think i felt more for the driver who kept asking for his girlfriend in a pink sweater
and when you finally see her.
the first thing you really notice, apart from her pink sweater,
is her stomach which has been cut open, with her guts spilling out.
needless to say, she didn't make it.
and then the guy dies from heartbreak.
i know. wtf.

then there was this girl
who was saying she needed to graduate.
constantly.
because of something about as soon as she graduates then she could start living.
that today was the day she was supposed to start living.

apparently, she had gone through all her life. study first.
never living life.
and graduation was the turning point in her life.
she was finally free, independent.
she was going to start living.

which really made me think.
we go through school and high school to do what?
prepare us for college.
and what is college really for?
to prepare us for life.

life.

oh god.
in the mind of an optimist.. life represents so many.. wonderful and colourful things.
however.
i am not an optimist.
so when i think life.
i think future.
when i think future..
i get this sinking, fluttering (not the good sort) of feeling in my stomach.
as i desperately try to avoid thinking of it at all.

the truth is.
i dont see a future.
and not in the see as in "have predictions or visions of the future" like a psychic. because. unfortunately, i do not have such skills.
rather..
i mean, i know i will have a future. everyone does... (dont give me shit about ppl dying. thats a completely different story)
so lets say, for arguments sake. i know i'll live to be at least 50
that mean i know i have a future.
but i really cannot even begin to imagine, the what where, why, and hows.
and not knowing... the specifics... is what... worries me.
and the whole knowing that what you do now is what gives you the specifics.
gives me a huge sense of pressure.

i dont know.

im babbling. as usual.
but really. the future scares me.
because i really dont see it.
i mean.
i know its there.
but i just cant seem to see it.

and that grey's episode was just depressing to see
these kids, having gone through so much, worked so hard.
to finally start living.
as independent adults
to die.
just.
like.
that.

son of a bloody scone eater.

sigh

i give up trying to understand.

its late.

goodnight world. and to whomever that bothers to read my posts.

oh god.
here it is again.
the thing i dread most..
i keep trying to push it away.
deny it of its hunger.
but alas.
i am weak.
i cannot deny its need.

this need...

to procrastinate.

oh god.
i dont even want to think about all those wasted opportunities.
not to mention this damned insomnia
that i seem to be suffering from.

its a simple matter of turning off my wretched laptopconnectedtoamonitormakingitnotalaptopanymorebutacomputerwannabe
and lying on top of your bed
and closing your eyes.

its that simple.

and yet. for some reason
my brain simply cant seem to comprehend this action
to sleep.
it just keeps feeding me excuses.
again and again.

"oh its not that late.."
"oh restaurant city is back online"
"oh you don't need to wake up tmrw. in fact you dont have to wake up at all. just keep doing whatever you're doing. you don't need sleep. cos you're fucking superman"

oh freakin god.
i have the voice of an insane person.

its at times like these when i realise
the importance

of control, over your mind.
if your mind does not obey
how do you expect to even make it through the day.
in one piece.

oh god.
i need sleep.
i want sleep.
but i just cant seem to let myself.

sometimes, i feel that the only reason im an insomniac
is because
in some sort of ironic cliche
i feel like
im losing time.
and the only way i can get it back
is by
not. sleeping.

time is the only constant thing in my life.
and i guess.
if i dont sleep
i get more.
time.
that is..
yay.
this is definitely a healthy attitude.

whats that?
you think i should go where?
no i will not!
theres a difference between insomniac and insane.
...

im talking to myself.

oh god.

im talking to myself.

thats it.
i dont care anymore.
im sleeping.
whether my brain likes it or not.

D:

...
btw. incase you couldn't tell.
this was just me rambling.
no need to take any of this seriously.
and i assure you.
i am completely
100%
a okay. sane. healthy. non suicidal. the works.
i just need to learn
to sleep.
:D

goodnight world.
thank you for also being another constant thing in this life.

i wanna catch a love and make it stay...

i've recently discovered quite a lovely band.
voxtrot.
i love his voice.
i love the music.
and most importantly.. i love the lyrics.
some are simply so poetically put..

this song.
Long Haul.

i feel reflects my state of mind recently the best..

truly a beautiful song to listen to..

--x--

Somebody told me if you live this way
Then it's a long, long haul
I wanna catch a love and make it stay
Oh it's a long, long haul
When you know darkness you can love a day
Oh it's a long, long haul
I've never seen it, I just talk this way
Oh it's a long, long haul

And you lie to us both
We are words, nothing holds

I wanna catch a love and make it stay
Oh it's a long, long haul
I'll draw a little joy now of this
Place before I get too old
I'll flee these troubled horses from this
Place within my troubled soul
And there is nothing, so far

If we are salt and earth and sun and stone
Then it's a long, long fall
To fixing trouble in a broken home
And if you won't, you won't call
When you can walk beside me past my past
Oh it's a long, long haul
I wanna catch a love and make it last
Oh it's a long, long haul

And you lie to us both
We are words nothing holds

I wanna catch a love and make it stay
Oh it's a long, long haul
I'll draw a little joy out of this
Place before I get too old
I'll flee these troubled horses from this
Place within my troubled soul
And there is nothing, so far

And nothing,
so far

I wanna catch a love and make it stay
I wanna catch a love and make it stay
I wanna catch a love and make it stay
I wanna catch a love and make it stay

--x--

I wanna catch a love and make it stay...

oh. woe.

the world hates me.

*cries in a corner*

umm.

i fail at screen shotting.
lol
actually i just don't know how.
so instead
i will simply copy and paste.

im pretty sure half the world has seen it already.
but.
god.
T___T
im still depressed as hell over it.

so i finally found this infamous

"what chance do you have with megan fox"
so i figured.
i'd give it a try.
since. well. megan fox... whether you like her or not.
is still.
EXTREMELY super hot.
and reminds me of that chick from vertigo..
but wow.
her face.
and body..
mmm..

so i did the quiz and was devastated to find THIS.

Annaliesa Tran T____T
why????
WHY???

Annaliesa just took the "Chances with Megan Fox" quiz and the result is 0% Chance.

She laughs at the thought

Yesterday at 10:32pm · Comment · LikeUnlike · Show Feedback (5)Hide Feedback (5) · Take this Quiz · Compare yourself to Annaliesa

You like this.

Lj Tai at 10:35pm July 9

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!! XD

Alex Bayliss at 10:37pm July 9

ROFL ...........

Annaliesa Tran at 10:42pm July 9

not.
cool.
T___T

Yunsi Luoyu at 10:49pm July 9

lol its ok anna, im here >.<

Annaliesa Tran at 11:15pm July 9

T_____T
yunsi.
i love you.
T_____T
♥

it was like. Heart break.

T____T

how could this be??
why??

and to make it worse..
i managed to make 11 others take the quiz.
and EVERYONE got at least 50% chance with her plus
except for chao wei
who still got more than me
with his
0.0000000001%
>_____>

so in my woe.

i decided to take the quiz again.
thinking..
whats the worse that could happen.
as if i could get anything LOWER
than 0%

...
i was wrong. T_____T

Annaliesa Tran HOLY SHIT
T_____T
WTF
i took the quiz again and i got THIS! T___T

*cries in a corner*

Annaliesa just took the "Chances with Megan Fox" quiz and the result is -100% Chance.

she hates you

Yesterday at 11:50pm · Comment · LikeUnlike · Show Feedback (12)Hide Feedback (12) · Take this Quiz · Compare yourself to Annaliesa

You, Shannen Lim, James Graves and Wenyu Ouyang like this.

Shannen Lim, James Graves and Wenyu Ouyang like this.

Wenyu Ouyang at 11:51pm July 9

LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL
LMAO LMAO LMAO!!!
NEGATIVE XD this is hilarious!!!

Wenyu Ouyang at 11:51pm July 9

you really are a chick repellant =p

Jacky Su at 11:57pm July 9

LOL! "she hates you"

That's it. I'm taking this quiz.

i had no idea that could even happen.

T______T

EPIC. FAIL.

*sobs*

Life and Times in the Tran Residence.

Wow. What a hectic week its been.
although surprisingly, even with the ball and such.
i still find the highlight of my week.
being with my family. XD

such as.

just last night..
my dad found his old "michael jackson's greatest hits" dvd.
so we decided to pop it in to check it out.

and you know,
as it was only about 1am in the morning. we decided to put it on full volume and then proceed to sing along to all the songs.
super asian karaoke style. >XD
it actually got to the point where my dad actually got up and started dancing.

it was lovely.

his butt was wobbling everywhere.
my brother laughed as much as an emo boy could.
my mom tried to pretend not to stare.
while my grandma promptly left the room. toilet she says... *cough*

and i...
being the wonderful daughter i was.
began looking for a camera.

unfortunately.
i couldn't find it.
so i resorted to the next best thing.
dancing along with him.

XD

as i said, it was lovely.

and tonight.
me and my brother spent half an hour running around the house, screaming at each other.
but the nice sort of screaming.

basically.
i wouldn't get off his bed.
so he resorted into getting out his secret defense mechanism.
toothpicks.

trust me. they're deadly.

and so, the great toothpick war began.

with my brother running at me with not just one.
but TWO toothpicks, one in each hand.

i managed to defend myself with some of my own.

it was a long fight. but well worth it.
with some splintered toothpicks along the way.
...
we lost a lot of good toothpicks that night.
but got plenty of good exercise in doing so.

seriously. though.
with all the ruckus we made (it was around midnight when we started)
im surprised that our homestays haven't killed us in our sleep yet...
who knows.
tonight could be the night they actually snap..
hmm.
...

either way.

i discovered that.
its these little things, these little quirky moments in our boring lives that i truly learn to appreciate my family in all their weird glory.
im thankful.
but most importantly.
im thankful to michael jackson.
and your wonderful pelvic thrusting dance moves..
which have some how brought my family together even more than we were before
i guess they really are magic.

and so with a soppy, corny post.
i leave with a short 20sec video of just how intense that toothpick fight was.

and yes.
that pedophile like breathing noise you hear, is me.
...
what?
i was running!
hence out of breath!
thats what everyone sounds like when they run...
>___>

i have swine flu

>____>

from monday through to tuesday
fevers ravaged me...
leaving me completely useless.
my brother made me check
i didn't have swine flu
so i went through the list of symptons...

• Moderate to severe illness lasting 7-10 days. >___> i think i don't have that..i hope
• Usually a high fever check
• Shivering attacks yup....
  
• Muscular pains ugh.. yes..
  
• Headache (may be severe) the whole day...
  
• Dry cough may become moist right to the little detail...
  
• Vomit occasionally i feel like it. a lot. does that count? edit: screw it. just vomited. a few times. great wake up call.
  
• Can suffer severe complications (pneumonia) nope..
  
• Bedridden hence why i've been sleeping for so long.
  

long analysis short.

and a trip to the doctors later...
they have determined that...

i have the flu.
its not the swine flu.
but the flu nonetheless

but

seriously?
swine flu. flu.
they're practically the same things...
and guess which is deadlier?

the common flu.

great. great great..

at least the temperatures gone down...
but this damn
nausea...
this feeling of wanting to vomit
just. won't. go. away..
ugghh

thank God for tmrw...

what the shit...

i keep meaning to blog.
but i cant
because i want to load pictures.
which i cant
because my internets too slow
which is slow
because my brother used up all our bandwith
how?
by watching tons of cartoon episodes..
online.

meanwhile.
life has been hectic.
from being asked to the ball
to being spit on.
hmmm
how do describe a week like that?

by not bothering to..

my emotions have been an absolute trainwreck
from utter happiness
to complete bitchiness.
i cant understand it.
i keep blaming the chocolate..
but now i think its because of the insomnia
or maybe its nothing at all
and im just desperately trying to deny the fact
that perhaps
its all me..
hmm..

on a completely different note.
guess what i learnt from private practise?

girls.
i finally realise the importance of those injections..
not only will it prevent
cervical cancer for us.
we can prevent it from transferring to our partners...
in which they could end up with ..

throat. cancer...>___>

put two and two together..
and you can probably guess how it happened..

lol

haha

i also keep dreaming about kyle from kyle x y
or in other words. known as the hot guy from katy perry's video "thinking of you"
he has.
the bluest.
most beautiful eyes in the world..
and man.
those dreams...
he's just so..
warm..
and... cuddly...
and... sexy XD

hormones. suck.

emotional rollercoasters?

i don't know why.
but these days it feels as if i cant seem to make up my mind as to what to feel.

what. the. hell.

i think its because.
these days i've just been eating waaay too much chocolate.
simply because..
of cravings...
and you know how chocolate makes you happy?
because it releases endorphins or some shit?

well i've come to the conclusion
that. it doesnt.
instead.
it just puts you on a freakin massive EMOTIONAL ROLLERCOASTER.
seriously fucks you up mentally as well.

probably backing up my favourite saying.

"you can never have too much of a good thing." =___=



siiiigh





on another note..


here's at least something that lightens up my emo mood.
lol.

this.

is.

SO FAIL!!!

edit:
"with love
xoxoxoxoxo
jacky"

hahahahaha.
thank you jacky.
for making my day... for a few days in a row.

not entirely useless blogging....

well for one thing.
i should probably say that my previous post was a complete anti climax....
heh...
as it turns out.
God was kind.
XD

on another note.
so much has happened since then.

-for one thing... i've been driving.. non illegally...*cough* a lot recently.

-i got my first free bottle of beer from an art gallery. XD heh.
im surprised they even gave it to me since as soon as i asked for it, i could feel myself turn completely red, before i even drank anything.

-I CLEANED MY ROOM.yes.
the unbelievable has been done.
and yes.
i can actually see my floor again.

-i dropped my laptop while i was sleeping...
=___=
i thought it was a pillow...
so i pushed it off...
amazingly. it still works.
but my screen screws up every once and a while.

and last but not least....

-i had lunch with my mum, dad, and brother... all at the same time D=
yes. thats right.
i experienced a rare family gathering...

of course. it happened at one of our restaurants...

how amazingly lucky am i....

the irony of life

a while back i was going to do a post about my life.
as it was back then.

what made it so significant was that
back then.
at that moment in time.
i was...

happy.

things were going well for me.
i was getting excellence for all my grades..
then there was that prize giving dinner...
there were no complications in life.
and i was ...
happy with myself.

but alas...
my inner pessimist was never far away.
as i constantly thought that...
perhaps.
i was too happy.

you know as they say...
you can never have too much of a good thing...
as paranoid as it sounds..
i was constantly thinking that.
this.
this happiness.
was soon going to be replaced by something.
horrible...
you know.
to balance things out.

soon i began to dread the happiness that i felt..
i just kept thinking that the greater my happiness was...
the higher i was....
the harder i was going to fall...

i was destroying myself with this paranoia...
so finally.
for a while...i decided to ignore it..
hoping that i hadn't jinxed myself.
from thinking so negatively..
i mean.
why cant someone be happy and not pay any consequence?

and i've been contented with life...

until today.

here i was... having a pretty good day.
i had a maths exam that went reasonably well.
i played an alright squash game.
and monday's meant my favourite tv shows were on...

but of course as i've learnt the hard way.. again and again...
good things never last long.

...

i lost my cellphone

...

sigh.

i don't even have the energy to describe what im feeling right now....
i've called everyone and everything i could possibly call.
done everything... i could possibly.
...
all i can do is hope.
...
but really.
what is the point in hoping?
i mean, you're just building yourself up
to only be hurt even more.

so maybe i should just act as if its gone already.
that theres no way i could possibly get it back.
that everything on my phone... is as good as lost.

but isn't it funny though.
how incompetent i feel... without a phone.
since when had i become so dependent on this small electronic object?
oh god.

....

happy thoughts.

happy thoughts...

...

oh fuck it.

the strange psyche of a procrastinator...

isn't it funny how as soon as you finish one exam
you feel as if.
you suddenly have an excuse to relax...
to procrastinate.

its like a fat kid treating themselves to a piece of cheese after doing one lap.
in the end.
you don't really achieve anything...

....

meh.
realising this isn't going to change anything.
i guess.
you can't really do anything.
except. to embrace it.

and damn well am i going to embrace it.

too much sleep syndrome...

i don't know.
maybe its because i've been living off 6 hours of sleep for the past few years of my life
or something like that
but i just cant seem to stop sleeping.

for instance.
just today.
i managed to take a four hour nap...
which is actually a huge waste of time.
if you think about it.

amazingly, it wasn't of waste.
while i was sleeping, i was supposed to be planning games for my youth group this week...
so when i fell asleep...
i was thinking.
oh. shit. now im never going to get anything done.

but something amazing happened.

i predicted the future. =]

sort of.

i had one of those "you think you're awake but you're actually still sleeping" dreams,
in which i thought i finally managed to wake up from my massive sleep attack
and started doing my work.
so i managed to plan the game for my youth... in my sleep.

i know.
im.
freakin.
awesome.
XD

haha.

needless to say.
i was extremely thankful.
maybe it was a sign from God.
either way.
im thankful.

but this still doesn't hide the fact that i can't seem to stop sleeping...
i feel like.
i could sleep forever.
if i could..

but im pretty sure that wouldn't be sleep anymore.
it'd be a full on coma.

so i decided.
what better way to figure this out?
than to google it.

so i typed in "too much sleep syndrome"
and it surprisingly gave me. a good link.

Sleep disorders involve any difficulties related to sleeping, including difficulty falling or staying asleep, falling asleep at inappropriate times, excessive total sleep time, or abnormal behaviors associated with sleep.

which is where i discovered
a disorder called
Psychophysiological insomnia

which has absolutely nothing to do with my too much sleep syndrome.
but i guess it has something to do with the way everyone else is living...

so. it is a disorder.

in which people actually create... insomnia. for themselves.
where it becomes not a neurological disorder. but more of a psychological one...
as if we didn't already have enough troubles of our own...
which really gets me thinking...
that we are so screwed up, that we actually create disorders for ourselves. to suffer from...

i really don't get humans.

maybe i need more sleep.


P.S - i always thought narcolepsy meant that the person suffering from it basically suffered from sleeping a lot. but as it turns out... they actually don't sleep for long periods, instead they have episodes of sudden daytime sleeping ("sleep attack"), usually preceded by drowsiness.


screw it.

im going back to sleep.

things that make me smile

i was looking through my phone pictures.
and i realised i had accumulated a lot of random photos.
and when i say random
i mean random XD

for instance.

i love chinese to english translations.
hahaha
just as me and joanne were discussing today..
they.
are.
hilarious.

"don't five three five four laaaaa~" - Joanne

hilarious.

i walked past this sign in tai ping
and just smiled.

lovely.

i guess it is pretty furry. XD

another thing that makes me smile.

Dhanish.

my favourite scrawny black kid.

and... his awesome awesome locker lock.

locker number included as proof.

entirely unfeminine in any way ... *cough*

Another thing i love
jo yee...

she always does the silliest things with me...
and is part of the reason my phone is so full with random pictures.

only she. (actually possibly a few others might...)
would do this with me.

and help me look like a pedophile...

(i know! i actually do look like a pedo!!)

now if i could only get her to read my blog....

on another note.

i love you tracy!!!

haha.
special mention just for you...
(sorry for strangling you. i just was just extremely excited to see you... ><)

i don't have any recent pictures with you though... unfortunately.
so here's one i hope you remember from a few years ago. XD hahaha.
i hope you still have that ring..

ahh..

on another note..
quite a random note actually.
i realised that i bruise extremely easily....
its kind of freaking me out actually....

>__>

i just seem to be constantly getting new bruises everyday....
i recently got a bruise from diving to my knees a few times from playing squash.
dont ask.
and so.... as most asians do.
i rubbed it to spread the bruise??
apparently thats what you're supposed to do??
but then the next day.. the bruise got even bigger...
so maybe.. im doing something wrong...

would show pictures...
but... they ain't pretty.

and got another bruise today above that bruise from accidentally hitting myself with the racket...

guess im just way too accident prone XD