oh wow.

I have not blogged. since well, last year.

I remember thinking to myself on so many occasions "oh this would be fun to blog about, oh this would be cool to share" but in the end... I never did.

I'm not quite sure why I stopped writing..

Ii'd like to think it was because I felt content with life and did not feel the need to rant it out to the wide world of the internet.. but of course that would mean the cause of my return is because I once again feel discontent with my life.

neither is true.

I suppose I stopped blogging, merely because, as most humans tend to do with things, well... I simply had forgotten about it.

I had completed my goal of continuously blogging for a year, therefore it was only natural for this to happen.

it was like my fanfiction phase. Once I had started, it was hard to stop, I was completely enthralled with it. But once I had posted my first chapter, I found it hard to carry on.

I suppose this is one of my greatest downfalls. Simply that lack of motivation to keep striving, staying on track. I guess its why I am such a great procrastinator.

Sometimes I wish I just had better motivation, to strive, to want to achieve large goals in my life. But alas, I hide behind my supposed pessimistic mask, and become my very own barrier.

Wow.

this is exactly why I loved blogging, just a few minutes of ranting and I've already come to face one of my biggest flaws.

which reminds me of a story, that I had promised myself to post immediately on a blog as I was so afraid of forgetting the story...

sadly, I did not get around to writing a blog about it, nor do I remember the story as clearly as I did. But since I'm here. I might as well try.

So, as I was meeting with my diversion officer (as I had completely ... "killed?" my beloved car.. in an unfortunate car accident in which I had to go to court and plead guilty but luckily I am allowed to plead for diversion so that it does not get written into my record)

the officer that I met with turned out to be an extremely kind and gentle man, which was quite a juxtaposition when in contrast to the way he looked. He was a large man, bald, with one eye patched up, in fact he looked like a character off kill bill. Either way, I was pleasantly surprised at just how.. pleasant he turned out to be.

after talking me through all things I had to do to get diversion.. he asked me what I wanted to do in life..

Now this question, being in Year 13 now, is probably one of the most asked questions by any individual, adult, or friend around me, and to be honest, I was beginning to hate it. I hated watching their looks of anticipation, especially with my parents friends, as they expected something great like a doctor, engineer or a lawyer, so most of the time I would simply answer with an extremely vague "I don't know yet." [insert forced smile here]

But occasionally, I would tell them the truth and tell them another vague answer, but slightly more specific, "I want to be an artist.. a designer.. I guess." which was what I told this diversion officer. Rather than getting usual nod of "ahh.. umm.. well.. that sounds.. lovely" he simply gave me a deep smile and told me. "ahh... I've got a story to tell you."

Now, if I could remember these stories of his, I would definitely try to retell them... but alas my memory fails me and I believe that my retelling would hardly do the man justice. I guess, as cliched as his stories were, they gave a sense of hope to me.

in a nutshell, his stories were all about different individuals that had a goal or talent in their lives, in which they spent the rest of their years after school or uni striving for it. and after lots of hard work and dedication, they were living the good life, doing what they loved most.

thinking about it now, it is terribly cliched. in fact, overheard.

but..

the way he... explained it.. just felt... well made me feel hopeful. in an extremely childish way. he made me believe that if I really wanted this future for myself, I would be successful.

he told me, there will always be people better than you, but if you think like that, you are only limiting yourself.

if you have a dream, and work hard to do your best at achieving it. you will achieve it.

quite a simple goal really..

have a dream. and work hard to achieve it...

I dont know... sometimes, I just feel so unstable and unsafe pursuing this art dream of mine. and the problem is... I still really dont have any idea as to what I really want to do, or achieve...

all I do know is I want to create things, that aesthetically please.. myself and others.

I guess, you just need confidence in yourself, confidence that you have the willpower to achieve your goals..

sigh.

I dont know.. all this thinking about the future is giving me a headache.. although I have a feeling this headache is more from my declining eye sight in one eye.

which gives me something to blog about next time.

i'm not quite sure what I've achieved from this massive rant.. but I do feel, quite relieved for getting it off my chest.

This will be fun to read over in the future.

anyways. I'm off to do more media woork.

goodnight world. :D

oh yes. and I changed the layout of my blog..

guess I was bored and felt like a change in scenery.

that bright blue was becoming a bit much..