Thursday, July 30, 2009

epic fail.

so, as some of you may know.
i take photography at school
which to some mentally challenged individuals, they consider it a "bum" subject.
well let tell you.
you try and take the subject and try to get excellence.
then you come back and dare to tell me its a "bum" subject.
because its definitely a freakin hell of a lot more than just snapping a few pictures.

anyways.
off topic..

with a subject like photography, obviously comes with
a lot
of costs.

one specific cost. is of hiring a digital camera.
to hire it for a week.
costs $5
which.. i guess alright.
and i guess would be why some individuals see it as an opportunity to take advantage of. by not returning the camera by its due date.
so
to prevent this from happening.
the school came up with a plan.
so hiring a camera costs $5 a week.
but.
if you go over your week.
you will then be charged $5
a day.

when i first heard this.
i knew.
i just knew.
that some poor, idiotic individual would probably forget to return the camera.
and end up having to pay the school hundreds.

little did i know,
that poor, idiotic individual would be.
me.

yes.
i did it.
there are many reasons and explanations as to how this came to be.
i could blame it on the flu i was suffering at the time
impairing my ability to remember things.
it could be the rush of assignments being quickly done and handed in
causing further impairment to my memory
but in all reality
i guess
i merely forgot.

in my mind however,
i had created a scenario in which i HAD returned the camera, i just couldn't remember myself doing so.
but somehow managed to convince myself otherwise.

so here i was, getting ready to hire another camera.
when the B1 ladies tell me that i hadn't returned my camera from
last term.
i did the calculations in my head.
3 weeks.
5 dollars.
fuck me.

as i was returning to B1, with the dreaded camera in my hand (which had been in my photography locker all along)
i desperately asked jacky what to do.
and he simply told me.
to cry.
i thought it was ridiculous.
to lower myself to the point of almost begging
i mean. this was my pride we were talking about here.
he expected me to cry?

so i went in there, hoping to flash them some watery eyes or something.
but as they went off and started doing the calculations for how much i owed.
i suddenly thought about the actual cost.
$135 (3 weeks plus this week plus other random costs)
i thought... how many burgers, manga, and other shit could i have bought with $135
then i thought about my parents.
my raging asian parents..
holy shit.
if they ever found out.
bro.
GG

....

and suddenly out of no where.
i decided to forget pride and dignity
and the tears just started flowing out.
and trust me.
once they started, it was hard to stop.
jacky, being my smart partner in crime, handed me a tissue for effect.
either that, or he actually believed me.

few minutes in, i actually thought that the tears werent working.
and i thought.
that perhaps the tears were too cliche, and that they might INCREASE the cost since they probably thought i was being too pussy about it.

but amazingly.
after a few more minutes, they said to me.
'look.
how about this.
you pay $20, and hopefully learn to be less reckless with your placement of such expensive equipment.'
i simply stared back in awe.
wow.
the relief i felt, was so amazing. i actually had no words.
the tears worked.
the fucking tears worked.
holy fucking hell.


thank you God.


so. a lesson to you all.

if you think you have done something
but you cannot remember actually physically doing it.
then
you probably haven't done it.
:)

Saturday, July 25, 2009

indignation...

Sometimes, I cannot even begin to describe, nor understand this anger that I have bottled up inside me.
You want so much to just let it out. Physically, mentally, emotionally.
This need to just.
Lose.
Control.

How easy is it for us to simply go past that point of no return.
Yet it is common sense, and reality that keeps you from falling past that edge.

So many times, I have come so close.
But just trying not to fall, is an act in itself.
To keep yourself temporarily sane, to not let yourself feel the emotions pumping through your blood, takes a hell of a lot of self control.

And frankly. Im not much of a self control sort of person.
Which I guess is why I fuck up so much sometimes.
I mean.
When you’re blinded by fury.
Im talking about that blind rush. Of pure… rage.
Can you really see those flashing lights in front of you?
Telling you to stop? Telling you to control yourself. Telling you to take a fucking deep breath and actually expect everything to just be, normal?

I’ve tried all of these things.
and seriously?
Its just more satisfying to let yourself lose control.
Its like an orgasm of anger.
For that single moment.
Where you simply let go of all constraints.
You let go of all sanity, all common sense, all reason.
You feel almost on high, from the rush of endorphins and adrenaline, mixing in with rush of fury.

Unfortunately.
An angry person, yelling and screaming with unconstrained anger is pretty much the equivalent of a drunk.
Possibly a lot less sloppy and a lot more violent.
But with the same end result.
You will always end up regretting the things you say.
Because they will be words you did not bother to think through, words that you probably didn’t even mean, words you’d meant to use as shallow daggers which ended up cutting a lot deeper than expected.
Words that simply should never have left your mouth.

But alas. There has to be some consequence for this happy rush of anger.
And unfortunately, it means hurting others. A lot worse than you’d expect.
And in some brilliant cases, you end up hurting yourself.
As life would have it.

Which brings me back to my life moto.

if its too good to be true. it is.

the whole idea of karma , yin and yang and shit.
no matter what you do, there will always be consequences. and whether it be good or bad consequences purely depend on the what.

...

but in the end really.
who are we really hurting, when we let ourselves lose control like that?
nothing good ever comes out of losing control.
and i know it.
all too well..
yet what i cant understand is why i still do.
i mean.
i know the consequences.
yet..
i still go around doing this sort of shit to myself...
there has to be a better solution.

i dont know.
...
maybe one day...
i'll be a better person
and actually LEARN from my mistakes.

Sunday, July 19, 2009

more incoherant rants about life and such.

i just watched, another depressing grey's anatomy episode.
i mean yeah.
pretty much every episode makes you cry
because someone dies too soon etc.
but usually,
all you really feel is sorry for them.
you know. the superficial sort of sadness.

this episode however.
although not one of the best.
and sort of annoying at times.
struck an all too familiar cord with me.
basically the plot was simple.
a bunch of college about to be graduates, are all squeezed into one small S.U.V
heading to their graduation.
the driver looks away from the road for one minute.
...
you can guess what happens.
next thing you know
they're being rushed to Seattle Grace (the hospital of greys)

there was this one guy.
and he just kept repeating that he needed to get to his graduation.
and later on get to know that he was graduating for his family, being the first to graduate in his family. you know, the whole build up of character to help the audience feel more of an attachment to him.
etc.
for your information.
he dies.

i think i felt more for the driver who kept asking for his girlfriend in a pink sweater
and when you finally see her.
the first thing you really notice, apart from her pink sweater,
is her stomach which has been cut open, with her guts spilling out.
needless to say, she didn't make it.
and then the guy dies from heartbreak.
i know. wtf.

then there was this girl
who was saying she needed to graduate.
constantly.
because of something about as soon as she graduates then she could start living.
that today was the day she was supposed to start living.

apparently, she had gone through all her life. study first.
never living life.
and graduation was the turning point in her life.
she was finally free, independent.
she was going to start living.

which really made me think.
we go through school and high school to do what?
prepare us for college.
and what is college really for?
to prepare us for life.

life.

oh god.
in the mind of an optimist.. life represents so many.. wonderful and colourful things.
however.
i am not an optimist.
so when i think life.
i think future.
when i think future..
i get this sinking, fluttering (not the good sort) of feeling in my stomach.
as i desperately try to avoid thinking of it at all.

the truth is.
i dont see a future.
and not in the see as in "have predictions or visions of the future" like a psychic. because. unfortunately, i do not have such skills.
rather..
i mean, i know i will have a future. everyone does... (dont give me shit about ppl dying. thats a completely different story)
so lets say, for arguments sake. i know i'll live to be at least 50
that mean i know i have a future.
but i really cannot even begin to imagine, the what where, why, and hows.
and not knowing... the specifics... is what... worries me.
and the whole knowing that what you do now is what gives you the specifics.
gives me a huge sense of pressure.

i dont know.

im babbling. as usual.
but really. the future scares me.
because i really dont see it.
i mean.
i know its there.
but i just cant seem to see it.

and that grey's episode was just depressing to see
these kids, having gone through so much, worked so hard.
to finally start living.
as independent adults
to die.
just.
like.
that.

son of a bloody scone eater.

sigh

i give up trying to understand.

its late.

goodnight world. and to whomever that bothers to read my posts.

Sunday, July 12, 2009

oh god.
here it is again.
the thing i dread most..
i keep trying to push it away.
deny it of its hunger.
but alas.
i am weak.
i cannot deny its need.

this need...

to procrastinate.

oh god.
i dont even want to think about all those wasted opportunities.
not to mention this damned insomnia
that i seem to be suffering from.

its a simple matter of turning off my wretched laptopconnectedtoamonitormakingitnotalaptopanymorebutacomputerwannabe
and lying on top of your bed
and closing your eyes.

its that simple.

and yet. for some reason
my brain simply cant seem to comprehend this action
to sleep.
it just keeps feeding me excuses.
again and again.

"oh its not that late.."
"oh restaurant city is back online"
"oh you don't need to wake up tmrw. in fact you dont have to wake up at all. just keep doing whatever you're doing. you don't need sleep. cos you're fucking superman"

oh freakin god.
i have the voice of an insane person.

its at times like these when i realise
the importance

of control, over your mind.
if your mind does not obey
how do you expect to even make it through the day.
in one piece.

oh god.
i need sleep.
i want sleep.
but i just cant seem to let myself.

sometimes, i feel that the only reason im an insomniac
is because
in some sort of ironic cliche
i feel like
im losing time.
and the only way i can get it back
is by
not. sleeping.

time is the only constant thing in my life.
and i guess.
if i dont sleep
i get more.
time.
that is..
yay.
this is definitely a healthy attitude.

whats that?
you think i should go where?
no i will not!
theres a difference between insomniac and insane.
...

im talking to myself.

oh god.

im talking to myself.

thats it.
i dont care anymore.
im sleeping.
whether my brain likes it or not.

D:

...
btw. incase you couldn't tell.
this was just me rambling.
no need to take any of this seriously.
and i assure you.
i am completely
100%
a okay. sane. healthy. non suicidal. the works.
i just need to learn
to sleep.
:D

goodnight world.
thank you for also being another constant thing in this life.


Saturday, July 11, 2009

i wanna catch a love and make it stay...

i've recently discovered quite a lovely band.
voxtrot.
i love his voice.
i love the music.
and most importantly.. i love the lyrics.
some are simply so poetically put..

this song.
Long Haul.

i feel reflects my state of mind recently the best..

truly a beautiful song to listen to..

--x--

Somebody told me if you live this way
Then it's a long, long haul
I wanna catch a love and make it stay
Oh it's a long, long haul
When you know darkness you can love a day
Oh it's a long, long haul
I've never seen it, I just talk this way
Oh it's a long, long haul

And you lie to us both
We are words, nothing holds

I wanna catch a love and make it stay
Oh it's a long, long haul
I'll draw a little joy now of this
Place before I get too old
I'll flee these troubled horses from this
Place within my troubled soul
And there is nothing, so far

If we are salt and earth and sun and stone
Then it's a long, long fall
To fixing trouble in a broken home
And if you won't, you won't call
When you can walk beside me past my past
Oh it's a long, long haul
I wanna catch a love and make it last
Oh it's a long, long haul

And you lie to us both
We are words nothing holds

I wanna catch a love and make it stay
Oh it's a long, long haul
I'll draw a little joy out of this
Place before I get too old
I'll flee these troubled horses from this
Place within my troubled soul
And there is nothing, so far

And nothing,
so far

I wanna catch a love and make it stay
I wanna catch a love and make it stay
I wanna catch a love and make it stay
I wanna catch a love and make it stay

--x--

I wanna catch a love and make it stay...

Friday, July 10, 2009

oh. woe.

the world hates me.

*cries in a corner*

umm.

i fail at screen shotting.
lol
actually i just don't know how.
so instead
i will simply copy and paste.

im pretty sure half the world has seen it already.
but.
god.
T___T
im still depressed as hell over it.

so i finally found this infamous

"what chance do you have with megan fox"
so i figured.
i'd give it a try.
since. well. megan fox... whether you like her or not.
is still.
EXTREMELY super hot.
and reminds me of that chick from vertigo..
but wow.
her face.
and body..
mmm..

so i did the quiz and was devastated to find THIS.

Annaliesa Tran T____T
why????
WHY???

Annaliesa just took the "Chances with Megan Fox" quiz and the result is 0% Chance.

She laughs at the thought
Lj Tai
Lj Tai
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!! XD
Alex Bayliss
Alex Bayliss
ROFL ...........
Annaliesa Tran
Annaliesa Tran
not.
cool.
T___T
Yunsi Luoyu
Yunsi Luoyu
lol its ok anna, im here >.<
Annaliesa Tran
Annaliesa Tran
T_____T
yunsi.
i love you.
T_____T


it was like. Heart break.

T____T

how could this be??
why??

and to make it worse..
i managed to make 11 others take the quiz.
and EVERYONE got at least 50% chance with her plus
except for chao wei
who still got more than me
with his
0.0000000001%
>_____>

so in my woe.

i decided to take the quiz again.
thinking..
whats the worse that could happen.
as if i could get anything LOWER
than 0%

...
i was wrong. T_____T


Annaliesa Tran HOLY SHIT
T_____T
WTF
i took the quiz again and i got THIS! T___T

*cries in a corner*

Annaliesa just took the "Chances with Megan Fox" quiz and the result is -100% Chance.

she hates you
Wenyu Ouyang
Wenyu Ouyang
LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL
LMAO LMAO LMAO!!!
NEGATIVE XD this is hilarious!!!
Wenyu Ouyang
Wenyu Ouyang
you really are a chick repellant =p
Jacky Su
Jacky Su
LOL! "she hates you"

That's it. I'm taking this quiz.

i had no idea that could even happen.

T______T

EPIC. FAIL.

*sobs*


Wednesday, July 8, 2009

Life and Times in the Tran Residence.

Wow. What a hectic week its been.
although surprisingly, even with the ball and such.
i still find the highlight of my week.
being with my family. XD

such as.

just last night..
my dad found his old "michael jackson's greatest hits" dvd.
so we decided to pop it in to check it out.

and you know,
as it was only about 1am in the morning. we decided to put it on full volume and then proceed to sing along to all the songs.
super asian karaoke style. >XD
it actually got to the point where my dad actually got up and started dancing.

it was lovely.

his butt was wobbling everywhere.
my brother laughed as much as an emo boy could.
my mom tried to pretend not to stare.
while my grandma promptly left the room. toilet she says... *cough*

and i...
being the wonderful daughter i was.
began looking for a camera.

unfortunately.
i couldn't find it.
so i resorted to the next best thing.
dancing along with him.

XD

as i said, it was lovely.

and tonight.
me and my brother spent half an hour running around the house, screaming at each other.
but the nice sort of screaming.

basically.
i wouldn't get off his bed.
so he resorted into getting out his secret defense mechanism.
toothpicks.

trust me. they're deadly.

and so, the great toothpick war began.

with my brother running at me with not just one.
but TWO toothpicks, one in each hand.

i managed to defend myself with some of my own.

it was a long fight. but well worth it.
with some splintered toothpicks along the way.
...
we lost a lot of good toothpicks that night.
but got plenty of good exercise in doing so.

seriously. though.
with all the ruckus we made (it was around midnight when we started)
im surprised that our homestays haven't killed us in our sleep yet...
who knows.
tonight could be the night they actually snap..
hmm.
...

either way.

i discovered that.
its these little things, these little quirky moments in our boring lives that i truly learn to appreciate my family in all their weird glory.
im thankful.
but most importantly.
im thankful to michael jackson.
and your wonderful pelvic thrusting dance moves..
which have some how brought my family together even more than we were before
i guess they really are magic.

and so with a soppy, corny post.
i leave with a short 20sec video of just how intense that toothpick fight was.

and yes.
that pedophile like breathing noise you hear, is me.
...
what?
i was running!
hence out of breath!
thats what everyone sounds like when they run...
>___>