more incoherant rants about life and such.

i just watched, another depressing grey's anatomy episode.
i mean yeah.
pretty much every episode makes you cry
because someone dies too soon etc.
but usually,
all you really feel is sorry for them.
you know. the superficial sort of sadness.

this episode however.
although not one of the best.
and sort of annoying at times.
struck an all too familiar cord with me.
basically the plot was simple.
a bunch of college about to be graduates, are all squeezed into one small S.U.V
heading to their graduation.
the driver looks away from the road for one minute.
...
you can guess what happens.
next thing you know
they're being rushed to Seattle Grace (the hospital of greys)

there was this one guy.
and he just kept repeating that he needed to get to his graduation.
and later on get to know that he was graduating for his family, being the first to graduate in his family. you know, the whole build up of character to help the audience feel more of an attachment to him.
etc.
for your information.
he dies.

i think i felt more for the driver who kept asking for his girlfriend in a pink sweater
and when you finally see her.
the first thing you really notice, apart from her pink sweater,
is her stomach which has been cut open, with her guts spilling out.
needless to say, she didn't make it.
and then the guy dies from heartbreak.
i know. wtf.

then there was this girl
who was saying she needed to graduate.
constantly.
because of something about as soon as she graduates then she could start living.
that today was the day she was supposed to start living.

apparently, she had gone through all her life. study first.
never living life.
and graduation was the turning point in her life.
she was finally free, independent.
she was going to start living.

which really made me think.
we go through school and high school to do what?
prepare us for college.
and what is college really for?
to prepare us for life.

life.

oh god.
in the mind of an optimist.. life represents so many.. wonderful and colourful things.
however.
i am not an optimist.
so when i think life.
i think future.
when i think future..
i get this sinking, fluttering (not the good sort) of feeling in my stomach.
as i desperately try to avoid thinking of it at all.

the truth is.
i dont see a future.
and not in the see as in "have predictions or visions of the future" like a psychic. because. unfortunately, i do not have such skills.
rather..
i mean, i know i will have a future. everyone does... (dont give me shit about ppl dying. thats a completely different story)
so lets say, for arguments sake. i know i'll live to be at least 50
that mean i know i have a future.
but i really cannot even begin to imagine, the what where, why, and hows.
and not knowing... the specifics... is what... worries me.
and the whole knowing that what you do now is what gives you the specifics.
gives me a huge sense of pressure.

i dont know.

im babbling. as usual.
but really. the future scares me.
because i really dont see it.
i mean.
i know its there.
but i just cant seem to see it.

and that grey's episode was just depressing to see
these kids, having gone through so much, worked so hard.
to finally start living.
as independent adults
to die.
just.
like.
that.

son of a bloody scone eater.

sigh

i give up trying to understand.

its late.

goodnight world. and to whomever that bothers to read my posts.