jokes.

hey to whomever still bothers reading blogs. mine in particular.

which i have successfully managed to neglect for nearly 2 years.

what can i say about these past 2 years?

its been absolute shit in too many areas. but.. surprisingly an absolute wonder in others.

anywho.

this is just an update to say.

i have moved... for those who bother to follow..

i am now going to attempt tumblr. it probably wont last more than 2 days.

but im going to try.

when i have the chance.

its something i made a while back. then sorta forgot about. then sorta remembered again?

either way.

here it is.

thingsthatdontexist.tumblr.com

stalk me if you want.

oh wow.

I have not blogged. since well, last year.

I remember thinking to myself on so many occasions "oh this would be fun to blog about, oh this would be cool to share" but in the end... I never did.

I'm not quite sure why I stopped writing..

Ii'd like to think it was because I felt content with life and did not feel the need to rant it out to the wide world of the internet.. but of course that would mean the cause of my return is because I once again feel discontent with my life.

neither is true.

I suppose I stopped blogging, merely because, as most humans tend to do with things, well... I simply had forgotten about it.

I had completed my goal of continuously blogging for a year, therefore it was only natural for this to happen.

it was like my fanfiction phase. Once I had started, it was hard to stop, I was completely enthralled with it. But once I had posted my first chapter, I found it hard to carry on.

I suppose this is one of my greatest downfalls. Simply that lack of motivation to keep striving, staying on track. I guess its why I am such a great procrastinator.

Sometimes I wish I just had better motivation, to strive, to want to achieve large goals in my life. But alas, I hide behind my supposed pessimistic mask, and become my very own barrier.

Wow.

this is exactly why I loved blogging, just a few minutes of ranting and I've already come to face one of my biggest flaws.

which reminds me of a story, that I had promised myself to post immediately on a blog as I was so afraid of forgetting the story...

sadly, I did not get around to writing a blog about it, nor do I remember the story as clearly as I did. But since I'm here. I might as well try.

So, as I was meeting with my diversion officer (as I had completely ... "killed?" my beloved car.. in an unfortunate car accident in which I had to go to court and plead guilty but luckily I am allowed to plead for diversion so that it does not get written into my record)

the officer that I met with turned out to be an extremely kind and gentle man, which was quite a juxtaposition when in contrast to the way he looked. He was a large man, bald, with one eye patched up, in fact he looked like a character off kill bill. Either way, I was pleasantly surprised at just how.. pleasant he turned out to be.

after talking me through all things I had to do to get diversion.. he asked me what I wanted to do in life..

Now this question, being in Year 13 now, is probably one of the most asked questions by any individual, adult, or friend around me, and to be honest, I was beginning to hate it. I hated watching their looks of anticipation, especially with my parents friends, as they expected something great like a doctor, engineer or a lawyer, so most of the time I would simply answer with an extremely vague "I don't know yet." [insert forced smile here]

But occasionally, I would tell them the truth and tell them another vague answer, but slightly more specific, "I want to be an artist.. a designer.. I guess." which was what I told this diversion officer. Rather than getting usual nod of "ahh.. umm.. well.. that sounds.. lovely" he simply gave me a deep smile and told me. "ahh... I've got a story to tell you."

Now, if I could remember these stories of his, I would definitely try to retell them... but alas my memory fails me and I believe that my retelling would hardly do the man justice. I guess, as cliched as his stories were, they gave a sense of hope to me.

in a nutshell, his stories were all about different individuals that had a goal or talent in their lives, in which they spent the rest of their years after school or uni striving for it. and after lots of hard work and dedication, they were living the good life, doing what they loved most.

thinking about it now, it is terribly cliched. in fact, overheard.

but..

the way he... explained it.. just felt... well made me feel hopeful. in an extremely childish way. he made me believe that if I really wanted this future for myself, I would be successful.

he told me, there will always be people better than you, but if you think like that, you are only limiting yourself.

if you have a dream, and work hard to do your best at achieving it. you will achieve it.

quite a simple goal really..

have a dream. and work hard to achieve it...

I dont know... sometimes, I just feel so unstable and unsafe pursuing this art dream of mine. and the problem is... I still really dont have any idea as to what I really want to do, or achieve...

all I do know is I want to create things, that aesthetically please.. myself and others.

I guess, you just need confidence in yourself, confidence that you have the willpower to achieve your goals..

sigh.

I dont know.. all this thinking about the future is giving me a headache.. although I have a feeling this headache is more from my declining eye sight in one eye.

which gives me something to blog about next time.

i'm not quite sure what I've achieved from this massive rant.. but I do feel, quite relieved for getting it off my chest.

This will be fun to read over in the future.

anyways. I'm off to do more media woork.

goodnight world. :D

oh yes. and I changed the layout of my blog..

guess I was bored and felt like a change in scenery.

that bright blue was becoming a bit much..

in contrast to yesterday...

something.

amazing.

happened today while i was working.

some lady came up to me, and gave me a TWO DOLLAR TIP!!!

yes. someone actually thought i was being a capable waitress and decided to tip me!!!

i mean. its about time! haha.

but no. really... when it happened..

i was genuinely surprised.. but extremely flattered.

to think that someone actually took notice of the work you'd been doing to tip you..

the most surprising thing of it all was that i had barely done anything for the woman.

at most, i had given her some tea... and soup.

but.. really? thats what we do immediately for anyone that comes in.

hardly a special act worthy of being tipped two dollars.

to be honest. when i had first given the lady the soup.

she had kind of looked at me in a scary way. and actually said no to one of the two soups i had been carrying..

so damn. i must've been something right.

on a slightly completely different note.

today, as i was catching the half past 8 bus back home from work, sitting in my usual fetal position, ipod plugged into my ears and all,

i realised, just how much i missed being a passenger.

there's just so many little details you miss, when you're too busy driving,

and its those little details, from the details of houses, to the way trees seem to dance past, that i miss so much.

it also reminded me again why i love riding the bus.

not only are the windows large and clear so you can see everything around you, its also almost kind of like a rollercoaster ride.

you know, from the way it seems to grumble as it changes gears, to the way it rocks up and down along the roads

the way it moves and sounds, feels just like one.

especially if like me, your bus tends to take the small streets, in which the twists and turns are endlessly fun.

and sometimes.. in it all. its just nice to take the bus by yourself.

theres just something about being able to sit comfortably somewhere and watch as the world flies past to good music,

as you allow yourself to dwell in thoughts and contemplate.

its the little things.

i think i had a pretty productive day today.

oh my lord.

one thing that is super pissing me off. right now. is my stupid freaking internet.

it just keeps bloody disconnecting.

i mean seriously, WTF IS WRONG WITH YOU.

it won't even let me stay on long enough to open a bloody web page. thank you very much.

wanker.

i dont know, maybe its my computer, or the internet.

either way, i feel like smashing both to pieces.

*swears some more*

and ugh. just when i thought i had managed to control my swearing tendencies..

i pretty much swear at least twice in every sentence i get out of my mouth. and believe me those sentences are not exactly very long, nor coherent.

which is good i guess. i mean, who wants to listen to some crazy girl constantly tell her computer to somehow artificially inseminate itself.

...

i swear, though, every difficulty i have has been multiplied ten fold by this stupid pre "time of the month" mood swings i've been having.

and its getting harder and harder to restrain myself. im pretty sure im going to break something. very. soon.

speaking of things that piss me off that i know of. is this retard.

yeah thats right. im going to post a blog about you, retard. but of course you won't realise, because never read this thing anyway.

thanks btw.

and if you did, its only because i told you to.

in which, if you are reading right now, get off my blog. cos its useless to do something just because someone tells you to. there's really no point is there?

and seriously retard. if you're not listening to what im talking about on the phone, can you please have the decency to admit you weren't actually listening rather than dig yourself a bigger hole and pretend you were.

it only further increases my urge to kill you.

seriously.

okay. maybe not kill. but. you get the point.

ughh

but seriously, i am really this close to breaking something. preferably this computer.

i mean how can such an inanimate object be so retarded???? you're nearly as bad as some retarded human i know.

seriously though. for a computer. YOU ARE COMPLETELY USELESS.

ugh. now, im even wasting my breath talking to the stupid thing.

whatever.

i think i've raged enough..

and i think i wont kill you anymore.. purely because. i cant be fucked anymore. fuck i sweared.

shit.

i mean crap.

oh fuck it.